


The Unfortunate Adventures of Armitage Hux

by KylandaDragan, thevwchu



Category: Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Genre: Anal Fingering, F/M, Gay Sex, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, Insanity, M/M, Parody, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 16:29:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14597055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KylandaDragan/pseuds/KylandaDragan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thevwchu/pseuds/thevwchu
Summary: What could possibly go wrong on a cruise holiday?What if that trip, entirely planed by his gorgeous secretary, was not what he expected?Stranded on a boat where hiding proves to be impossible, can Armitage Hux survive the repeated strikes fate is throwing at him?





	1. It Was A Bad Idea

**Author's Note:**

> LLLLLLLadies and Gentlemen  
> [thevwchu](https://thevwchu.tumblr.com/) and [Kylandadragan](https://kylandadragan.tumblr.com/) proudly present to you  
> ***Drug roll***  
> A parody of poor Huxey.  
> Peter Rabbit was the original spark for this fic, and it has all gotten... rather out of hand. Both our hands for the matter 
> 
> THIS PIECE IS EXTREMELY X RATED AND NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED.
> 
> Turn back NOW if you think you may suffer from spontaneous cardiac arrest on continuing. 
> 
> YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
> 
> And without any further ado...
> 
> Pull up your panties, and buckle up peeps!
> 
> WELCOME to the Crack House.

_ THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!  _

 

A very frazzled Armitage Hux scoffed indignantly as he grabbed his towel and discarded beach shirt as he attempted to make a hasty exit from the poolside. All he wanted was some peace and quiet on the pool deck, and as Rey have suggested, “work on his tan.” But NO! He had only managed to claim one of the deck chairs on the far corner of the pool before he felt someone squeeze his rear end through his swimming trunks. He had yelped with surprise and shock, tripped over the leg of another deck chair and stumbled backwards into the pool- butt first of course- whilst a mirage of little old ladies had giggled with glee at his absolutely humiliating display. 

 

_ What a bunch of hyenas!  _ He thought as he stormed off in the direction of his room. 

 

How did he get here anyways? Oh he should have known it was a bad idea from the start, what with all the pamphlets describing that perfect cruise in terms that could have been related to anything but a boat trip!

 

He needed a holiday, all right! But was the cruise mandatory? Especially knowing how sea sick he could be?   He started to believe that this was yet another one of the pranks his perfect yet mischievous secretary pulled on him. Damn Rey and her cute smiles helping her getting away with everything! If only she wasn’t dating that asshole director from the third floor… Ben what’s-his-name…

 

Hux turned left to take the hall leading to his cabin, only to bump his face into a gigantic pair of elderly boobs.

 

The second time of the day, Armitage found himself sprawled backwards, this time a bit more painfully, on his dierie. 

 

Just when he thought this day couldn’t get any worse… 

 

“Oh! Why hello dear! I am sooo sorry I didn’t see you right there!” 

 

Armitage groaned out loud, seeing stars shooting in front of his eyes. Who the hell said little old grannies are harmless…  _ I BEG TO DIFFER! Bunch of imbeciles, the lot of them!!! Has no one here learnt any manners… _

 

“ARMI! Oh you absolute DAAAALING, how wonderful to see you here!” 

 

Armitage just realised he hadn’t even bothered checking who those droopy pair of watermelons belonged to. However, whatever colour he had on his rather pasty face drained out when he realised who those boobs were permanently attached to. 

 

Eugenia… better known as “lips on fire” among the boat crew from what Armitage eavesdropped the night before while he was hiding behind a potted palm tree next to the dance floor.

  
“I didn’t see you last night at the Wham! party, you naughty little sneak!”

  
Armitage suddenly felt the tiny hall leading to his cabin becoming endless. Besides, how could he move past Eugenia without squishing those gigantic decaying fruits against his face once again? 

  
“Oh I would have loved to dance over Careless Whispers with you!”

  
A horrible image of his face stuck in between his current reason to grieve formed in his mind, and he pictured himself being nearly choked to death, while pathetically swaying in the arms of the fury in front of him.

 

“Careless Whispers is a George Michael song!” he squeaked, panic suddenly overwhelming him.

  
“Oh Potatoes potatos!”   
  


Armitage was desperately attempting those so-called calming exercises Dr Rose Tico had prescribed him whenever he was about to go into a full on panic attack when his stomach did a full drop on hearing that deep booming voice. 

 

_ I’m dreaming. I’m having a fucking nightmare. I’m gonna just, you know, wake up and it’ll be all fine! Back in my penthouse apartment… _

 

“Pet, you really should try some of those potatoes, they are absolutely divine. What has been taking you so long…” 

 

A pair of sock clad feet in flip flops appeared in Armitage’s line of vision. When he thought he’s already hit rock bottom…

 

“Hux. What the bloody hell are you doing here?!” 

 

Armitage peeled open his eyelids unwillingly to stare up at the scowling face of his boss- Snoke. 

 

“Errr- Good day, Sir.” 

 

“ Robeeeeeert!” Squealed Eugenia, her rosy cheeks displaying how uncomfortable she felt. “Don’t tell me you know Arrrmmmmi!!!”

  
_ Oh please, Lips on Fire! Don’t tell me you are covering your tracks so poorly! _ thought Armitage, now in full panic mode.

  
Snoke turned his gaze toward Eugenia and, seeing the evidences of her embarrassment over her cheeks, clearly understood that Hux once again did something he shouldn’t have!

  
“Have you been trying to get comfy with my girlfriend?” he asked, his tone menacing.

  
_ WHAT? Oh for the love of all that is holy! _ Armitage’s mind screamed, his face displaying the whole horror he was currently experiencing.

  
“No sir! I mean! I would absolutely never…”  and as he was about to go on with his sentence, he saw anguish and insecurity written over Eugenia’s face, all the while hearing Rey’s statement in his head, made during their last talk about his poor employee management skills. _ If you keep being nasty to everyone around you like that, you’ll end up alone! _

  
A series of gurgling noises escaped from his mouth then he simply went as still as a deer freezing in front of car lights.   
  


“You think I’m ugly?! That I’m not appealing enough for you?!” She was shrieking like a banshee on steroids. If everyone didn’t notice the commotion before, they most definitely do now. 

 

_ They really meant it when they called her “Lips on Fire”... Oh why the fuck does she have to be Snoke’s girlfriend of all people… Wait. How the fuck does he even have a girlfriend in the first place?! _

 

Armitage was still opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish as a really displeased Snoke walked up to his girlfriend and pressed her heaving chest to him. 

 

“Now now Pet, Armitage isn’t good enough to speak to you, let alone have an opinion on whether you are gorgeous or not. And before you ask, you are the most bewitching creature I have ever met.” 

 

Eugenia looked up at the looming gaunt looking man, mascara streaking down and smudging around her eyes. “Oh Puddin’, you know exactly how to cheer me up!” 

 

She reached down and grabbed not too subtly Snoke’s crotch. 

 

_ AHHHHH MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!!! _  Everything happened at the same time: cold sweat running down his back, the hair on his arms standing straight, his mouth drying, his face going flushed…

Unable to remove his eyes from the horrible vision of Snoke’s growing trunks, Armitage let out an indignant scream, that in return, made Eugenia shriek.

 

“Ah!!!!!! Why are you screaming????” she bellowed, her fingers instantly tightening around Snoke’s crotch.

 

Armitage’s boss, caught in the vicious grip of his lover, howled, making the younger man instantly scream louder.

 

“A spider!” He managed to articulate, one of his hands instantly moving in front of his eyes.

 

_ Bleach! I need to bleach my eyes! _ His mind whined, the image of Snoke’s tenting trunks becoming  imprinted in his brain.

 

Armitage thought he’d already heard the worst of Eugenia’s screachs, but clearly she had the lungs and vocal cords to rival an opera soprano. She screamed at such an extreme pitch and decibel that Armitage swore his eardrums must have burst. He watched in slow motion as she jumped up, grabbing onto Snoke’s neck for dear life. Her feet flung out at the momentum, kicking Armitage’s jaw, and he noted duly that the distant sound of a crack may very well mean he’d broken something. Snoke tried and failed to grab hold of his sagging girlfriend, her weight pulling him down as they both collapsed downwards.

 

The last thing Armitage remembered, was the sight of an extremely large and sagging arse descend onto his private area. 

 

_ Oh balls!!! Rey you fucking skank… You’re gonna pay for this…  _ Was all he could think of until the pain in his groin region knocked him out cold into oblivion. 

 

***

  
  
  



	2. It REALLY was a bad idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So.... Just when dear ol' Huxey think's he's hit rock bottom with his little trip...  
> Everything gets A LOT worse for him....  
> Especially when our favourite star crossed lovers become very much involved ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... We hope you enjoyed our first little introduction into Huxey's horrendous journey, so OF COURSE we have more fun installed for you.
> 
> We had an absolute blast writing this part- and we hope you enjoy reading it as well!
> 
> THIS CHAPTER IS R RATED PEOPLE- YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! 
> 
> Please do message us both at [KylandaDragan](https://kylandadragan.tumblr.com) \+ [thevwchu](https://thevwchu.tumblr.com)
> 
> and leave us as many koodles as you can :) We love hearing from you all!
> 
> And without further ado... Welcome back to the crack house ;)

_Armitage… Armi, sweety… wake up… it’s time for school…_

 

Armitage sighed then moved to turn to the side, hoping to tune out the voice of his mother who… HIS MOTHER?! That was not possible as she settled 3 years ago in Australia with her new boyfriend and… _WHAT IS THAT BLOODY PAIN IN MY GROIN?_

 

_WHO KICKED MY BALLS AND… OW! THE FUCKING JAW!_

 

His eyes bolted open in panic, searching for the boxing team currently trying to tear his balls apart.

 

“Ah! Ah my young friend, avoid moving until I am done with the inspection!” said the doctor while happily fondling his balls with a gloved hand.

 

“And eeeeeverything seems to be intact, my friend, if not bruised!”

 

Armitage blinked then blinked some more at the woman currently holding his balls. He didn’t know what was most shocking… the perverted grin as she was proceeding, or the insane color of her purple hair.

 

 _AND SHE IS STILL NOT LETTING THEM GO!_ He thought, in pure horror.

 

“Em, hm, who are you exactly, and, er, why are you holding my balls?!”

 

The purple hair witch simply wouldn’t take the hint, and was still somehow fondling his rather bruised bollocks.

 

“Well, they are your crown jewels, we must take injury to them quite seriously.” She stated, raising her matching purple eyebrow. “Do you not think?”

 

Armitage felt sick as he found his traitorous dick starting to harden against his better judgement. _Oh fack. I’m being molested here and my junk likes it?! How perverted can you be Armitage!! Oh Maker, I really haven’t had sex in way too long._

 

Slapping himself internally, he slapped her hand away, dragging himself away from her clutches and covering his growing erection.

 

“My my my, what do we have here, my young friend?”  replied the doctor, wiggling her eyebrows.

 

“Maybe that we should pursue the inspection to make sure everything is in working order?” her tongue slowly travelled over her lips, which was Armitage’s cue for jumping from the bed and safely packing his private parts back in his trunks

.

“Everything is fine!” He nearly screamed, his voice squeaking like a teenager.

 

The doctor sighed, and then stood from her exam chair, removing her gloves. “Aw, are you sure?”

 

“Yes!” he said before making a run for the door. Grabbing the handle, he pulled it as hard as he could, several times, panic hitting him once more.

 

The doctor joined him and pressed her body against his back, moving a hand over his.

 

 _I am going to be raped by a nymphomaniac doctor!_ His mind shouted.

Feeling her breath against his neck, she suddenly made him push the door while grinding her hips against his buttock and whispered in a seductive way “It feels better when you push it hard.”

 

His mind started screaming nonsenses as he extracted himself from her grip and ran out the door, only to bump once again into the now too familiar pair of watermelons.

 

“Oh ARRRRMI you are alive my gorgeous, you don’t know how glllad I am that you are in one piece!”   


Armitage gagged as he was pulled face first onto the rather unattractive bosom he had come to loath. He waved his arms about attempting to disengage himself from the rather bleak position.

 

“Miss, em, I cannot, em, breathe. Will you please....”

 

Before he could finish his sentence, the booming voice of Snoke came streaking through.

 

“Hux, I take it your ballsack and dick are both in one piece?”

 

Armitage managed to drag his now completely disheveled hair out from Eugenia’s clutches attempting to straighten and muster any resemblance of control.

 

_Oh for the love of the Maker, what has the world come to… WHY IS SNOKE TALKING ABOUT MY BALLS AND DICK?!_

 

“Sir, they are fine. I thank you for your kind consideration.”

 

Snoke sneered in his direction. “Well, I now have a completely ruined shirt all thanks to your idiocy. Honestly Hux. Why are you so incompetent even outside of work?!”

 

Gulping audibly, Armitage looked up with terror as Snoke loomed above him. “It won’t happen again sir.”

 

“I do hope so!” He spit and as Armitage took a step back, he bumped into the doctor.

 

“Now now, Mr Snoke. No stressing my patient!” said Amilyn Holdo while rubbing her hands up and down Armitage’s arms.  “Shall I take a look at your… little problem, sir?” She added, her eyebrow delicately arching.

 

Snoke’s behavior instantly changed, the hungry look written in his eyes making Armitage’s stomach lurch.

 

 _And I am starting to regret eating those sushi!_ He thought, the mix of throbbing pain, general disgust at the situation, unwanted touch and hungry stares making his head spin.

 

“It would be my pleasure. “ Nearly purred Snoke, his partly decaying teeth flashing right in front of Armitage’s face.

 

Snoke looked down at his employee then addressed him a booming “Now scatter before I truly get upset!” before turning his attention back to Holdo.

 

This is why he only heard the sound of Armitage’s stomach being emptied over his flip-flops.

 

***

 

Back in the safety of his room, Armitage picked up his mobile to call his assistant. Sighing in frustration when he noticed his reception was hovering between one or two bars, he pressed the top icon of his speed dial page. After the phone rang for a good eight times, a rather husky female voice answered. “Armitage Hux’s office, Rey speaking. How may I help you?”

 

Gripping the phone rather violently, Armitage spat into the receiver. “ _REY! WHEN I ASKED YOU TO ARRANGE A LAID BACK HOLIDAY, THIS SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY NOT INCLUDE A BOAT FULL OF POSTMENOPAUSAL WOMEN AND SNOKE!”_

 

Hearing a rather audible gasp from the other end, Hux was fuming as Rey answered, “Oh my goodness, Huxey! He’s there with you?! Why but that is perfect! You can use this time to lick his feet even more.” She burst into a giggle, and to his horror he heard a male voice coming from the background.

 

“Rey. How dare you speak of this like IT’S A JOKE?! It isn’t, and I am extremely pissed off with you. How in the motherfucking world am I supposed to RELAX if SNOKE IS HERE SNEERING AT MY EVERY MOVE?! AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT BRINGING OUTSIDERS TO THE OFFICE?! I will SKIN that Finn boy the next time I see him...”

 

To his horror, Rey burst out into a fit of giggles. Sounding rather distant, “Ben stop it, it’s Huxey on the phone, I need… oh, OH YES, yes yes yes right there, oh Maker suck me RIGHT THERE!”

 

Armitage’s eyes widened almost comically, his face turning as red as his hair. “Rey… what exactly are you currently doing in the office?” he asked, his voice suddenly dead calm… Surely, she couldn’t…

 

He heard several muffled sounds before Rey took a big breath and answered. “I’m working on a really big project right now. OH MY GOD!”

“WHAT?” He screamed in the phone, the look of horror returning to his face as he got under the impression Rey was panting.

 

“I stapled my fingers!” She answered after a bit, sounds of papers being ruffled reaching him through the line.

 

“Rey, what is the FUCKING project you are working on, right now? And what is FUCKING KYLO REN doing on our floor! His office is 3 floors above us.”

 

Armitage gripped the phone as hard as he could, his eyes now injecting with blood. Kylo FUCKING Ren, the curse of his life!  Golden boy coming from a wealthy family, So tall everyone was catching a cranky neck just to look at him, the line of a fucking Armani model…

 

“We are prospecting.” She answers, a bit breathless. “Snokes Orders!” Did he hear her just moan?

 

“KYLO REN, YOU ABSOLUTE TWAT, GET THE FUCK OFF MY ASSISTANT AND BACK TO THAT DUMP YOU CALL AN OFFICE!” Armitage has had enough. He was extremely upset when he first found that Rey was dating someone, and ten times worse to discover that Kylo fucking Ren of all people had claimed her. Now he’s getting a first hand experience of him with his hands and mouth on her… WHY ARE THE GODS SO CRUEL?!

 

He heard the phone clatter, and suddenly a low tanor rumbled across the phone, “Hello Armi, I am going to fuck her brains out on your desk, and you will hear her moans, knowing she sings only for me.” There was a pause as Rey’s deep moan was swiftly accompanied by the undeniably salacious wet sound of penetration.

 

Armitage was about to scream into the phone when he realised Ren had sent him a photo. Dread filled his already sinking stomach as he clicked onto the image. He stared down at a bound Rey, spread eagle on his desk, with what looks to be an extremely sizeable cock pistoning into her beautiful pink pussy.

 

Rage filled is vision as he drank it all in. As the slapping noise of flesh on flesh ramped up its pace, he heard the unmistakable sound of Rey’s scream, followed by a loud grunt from Ren.

 

Seething with rage, Armitage didn’t realise he was still gripping his phone painfully until the voice of Kylo Ren reemerged. “I hope you enjoyed the show Armi. Just a reminder, if you even think of trying to use that photo against Rey… or anything that affects her, I won’t hesitate to tell Snoke what happened... you know what.”

 

And with that, a very decisive click ended the conversation.

 

 _Why did I click? WHY DID I FUCKING CLICK ONTO THAT BLOODY PICTURE!_ His mind yelled, his knuckles turning white around the phone.

 

For a moment, he considered erasing the offensive material, but the irrational part of him decided to watch it again instead. Upon opening the image once more, his face took a nearly purple shade.

 

_WHY DOES HE ALSO HAVE AN ARMANI SIZED DICK? THAT BLOODY ASSHOLE!_

 

His head tilted on one side while his hand holding the phone tilted on the other side. _And how can she be so flexible, anyway? WHAT THE FUCK AM I ASKING MYSELF? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?_

 

He threw his phone on the bed, put his hands over his face and screamed as loud as he could, the last of his chill escaping his mind.

 

_FIRST, THE COUGARS WANTING TO GROPE ME, THEN EUGENIA’S WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, SNOKE’S GROWING DICK, THAT FONDLING NYMPHOMANIAC DOCTOR, AND NOW REN HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE WITH MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYY SECRETARY OVER MMMMMMMMMMYYYYY DESK AND HAS THAT BASTARD THREATENED ME ON TOP OF IT WITH THAT STUPID FUCKING FUCK OF A STORY NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT?_

 

Armitage was now madly panting and as he dropped his hands, he threw his head back and screamed in a way making him being heard 3 levels above his cabin.

 

Heaving with rage, he started tossing his belongings out of their original place, shattering the glass cups that were set on his mini bar. Ripping his tops off the hangers, he proceeded to kick his pristenly pressed shirts in a pile, stubbing his right great toe in the process.

 

Yelping in pain, he grabbed hold of his right foot, hopping around the room as he howled in pain.

 

It was then when he saw his phone, the photo staring mockingly up at him. Under a red haze, Armitage picked up the discarded phone, squeezing it hard, and threw it out of his open window.

 

***

 


	3. Why did he accept that stupid idea?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... This rather surreal cruise trip continues, with an increasingly agitated Armitage Hux aboard it, stuck with his boss (obviously)
> 
> Surely he's seen the worst already... Or has he? 
> 
> Keep reading on peeps- [KylandaDragan](https://kylandadragan.tumblr.com/) and [thevwchu](https://thevwchu.tumblr.com/) welcomes you back... to the crack house! 
> 
> Hang on tight- it's gonna be a wild one ;) 
> 
> Please do message and send us kudos! We would love to hear from you all.

The evening that followed brought another layer of surreal vibes into Armitage’s life, to the point he started wondering if he wasn’t victim of some kind of insane televisual prank imagined by Rey herself.

 

It all started when he came in the dining room, wearing a crumpled shirt, his pants sagging (because in his fury, he had lost his belt !), and his hair, usually so carefully slicked back, tangled and wild as if they had been madly rubbed by an old granny aiming next at pinching his cheeks.

 

It was 80’s night once again which meant only one thing… an army of postmenopausal women wearing fluorescent colours and tight clothes hugging parts that certainly didn’t need to be tightly wrapped, nowadays !

 

Pushing past the horror of those bright colours, and still trying to burn away from his mind the image FUCKING Kylo Ren had sent him, he joined a single table in the far end, hoping to remain unnoticed.

 

His eyes drifted to the central dance floor, clearly a mistake on his part, because what he saw next into that insanely crowded space printed an image in his mind that would certainly go to the horror shelf along with the one featuring Rey and Ren over his personal desk.

 

There was his boss, Mr Snoke, being rubbed all over and sandwiched between Eugenia and her equally watermeloned friend Sydonie, all kind of flabby limbs wiggling in the process.

 

Attempting to stay out of sight, Armitage slid down the chair, keeping his eyes leveled with the table.

He felt like a moth drawn to the light, eyes glued to the grotesque scene currently on display in front of him. Eugenia was wearing a deep plunging neckline dress in bright neon yellow, which did absolutely nothing to hide the motion of unwanted jiggling. Sydonie on the other hand was wearing a neon green top, her flabby apron of an abdomen flapping in the air. She was wearing pink leggings that were clearly too tight for her, and neon yellow leg warmers to top it off.

 

 _There really should be a law against wearing inappropriately revealing outfits when you have simply nothing good to display._ Armitage groaned internally, cringing as Snoke turned around to grab Eugenia, proceeding to bury his head within her cleavage. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he started making farting noises against her bosom, causing both women to cackly extra loudly over the booming music.

 

A hand automatically landed over Armitage’s face as he tried to block the nasty image, to no avail. Somehow, as he closed his eyes, he saw the negative version of the neon colors worn by the two females and his stomach, for the third time of the day, made an uneasy flip.

 

“Anything I can bring you tonight, sir ?” The nasal voice of the server made Armitage jump in surprise and as he looked up at the man, he recognized William, the one he saw three night before groping old Bettilynn right behind the counter.

 

 _Am I on a kind of sick and perverted cruise ?_  he wondered, evidences of strange couplings being more and more obvious around him.

 

“Ahem… something strong… the strongest thing you have, actually !” _Yeah, lets get plastered ! maybe that this way, the assaults over my sanity will be dimmed !_

 

William smirked as he practically bowed and ran off in the direction of the bar. After what felt like a lifetime of continuous mind fuck, Armitage wrenched his eyes away from the dance floor when he felt a tap on his shoulder. William was standing patiently, with no drinks in sight.

 

Armitage snarled. “WHERE IS MY DRINK?!” He demanded, slamming his hand on the table. To his disgust, William simply shot him another sly look before saying, “The bartender will serve your drinks at the bar as it is… rather special, and can’t be taken over to you.”

 

Before Armitage could make another snappy comment, the smug server had practically hoisted him out of his chair, and proceeded to drag him across the room and towards the bar.

 

Too shocked to even react properly, Armitage followed William to the middle of the bar, where a rather sinister looking bartender was pulling quite a few glasses out. He watched in awe as he set aside a pint and shot glass, and proceeded to fill a rather generous amount of green liquid to the pint glass. He then tipped the glass slightly, and Armitage watched in horror as he produced a lighter and proceeded to light the drink on fire. Drink aflamed, the bartender proceeded to let the flame burn, then transferred the drink to the shot glass, quickly placing the pint glass upside down and trapping the light fume produced from the flame. William pushed the shot towards him, and motioned for him to down it. Confused, Armitage pointed at the upside down pint glass, “What is that?”

  
Shooting him another sly smile, William handed him a straw and said, “Go ahead and down that shot, then suck in the fumes with this straw, and then I’ll tell you what it is. You wanted strong? We serve you strong.”

 

Shaking his head, Armitage grabbed a hold of the shot glass and down the drink, before proceeding to insert the straw under the slightly lifted pint glass and suck. _Oh god, I can feel it burning all the way down my throat to my stomach. What the fuck did they just serve me?!_ But all coherent thoughts went out the window when the fumes went straight to his head, settling like a curtain over his previously erratic thoughts.

 

Slapping his back enthusiastically, William grinned excitedly, “That, my friend, is an Absinthe Gas Chamber! Nothing hits you in the head quite as quickly as that.”

 

Swaying on his feet, Armitage felt himself tip to the right. He tried to pull himself up but ended up overcorrecting, tipping over to the left instead. William cackled as he pulled up a bar chair and sat Armitage down.

  


“We are only just getting started Huxey- now how about a Flaming Lamborghini?”

 

“A flaming whaaaaa ?” Armitage blinked at his own elocution, the words, for some reason not sounding right.

 

“A flaming Lamborghini!” William made a sign for the bartender, who then proceeded to clear the area and stack 3 glasses on top of each other. He produced a concoction of liquid and lifted the lighter back up.

 

“Oh! What’s that mumbo jumbo he is about to pour on the whats-this-thing?”

 

William cackling became more pronounced as he slapped Armitage’s back. “That, my friend, is going to loosen you a little !”

 

“Ya mean, so I can be groped like my boss?” Thinking this was his cue for looking at the dance floor, Armitage turned, just in time to spot Sydonie spank Snoke’s arse repeatedly while his boss was wiggling his nose in between Eugenia’s watermelons.

 

“Possibly !” Snorted William as he followed Armitage’s gaze. “He looks like he is having fun !”

 

“HE’s a ssssssssschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmuck!”

 

The bartender handed him yet another staw and grunted, “I will pour this down the glass, and you will have to keep drinking it through the straw. When the first straw is too melted, throw it away and I’ll hand you the next straw.”

 

Taking an audible gulp, Armitage nodded stiffly and stuck his straw out just as liquid flames cascaded down the edges of the glass. He  proceeded to swallow it as quickly as he can, automatically accepting the new straws handed to him as he sucked the liquid in. He took threw away the last straw when the last flame disappeared, took a breath and frowned at the roasted pig’s smell.  “That drink is sssssssssssssoooooooooo ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtrange! Got a weird scent!”

 

He looked up at William who, from shock switched to pure unadulterated hilarity. « Man! Where the fuck are your eyebrows? »  


“Whaaaa?” Armitage lifted his hand to his face and rubbed his forehead. “Llllllllambo must have licked em ooooooooff?” He stuttered, hiccuping between his phrase.

 

“ARMI!!!” A very audible shreak penetrated through the fog, and Armitage lifted his head up to see a very red faced Eugenia yanking him towards her. “Sydonie said she spotted you here doing shoooots! I am so glad you are on top form tonight!” She proceeded to shower kisses all over his face, leaving red lipstick marks all over his pasty skin.

 

“SHOTS!” Bellowed Sydonie, towering over Armitage. “ You must have some with us. BARTENDER!” She waved drastically to the silent man behind the bar. “I want every single person in this room to have a Jägerbomb!” She then ran out towards the band, yanking the mike out of from one of the singers’ hands, “SHOTS ON ME BITCHES, TIME TO MOVE YOUR ARSE OVER TO THE BAR OR ELSE YOU’RE NO LONGER INVITED TO JOIN US FOREVER!!!”

 

“YEAH ! GIMME A DR SCHWEITZER, PAMELA!!!” He screamed, waving madly at Sydonie and her gigantic pair of boobs.

 

As if on cue, Armitage stood and grabbed the edges of his shirt, ripping it open.  He then climbed on his stool with a little help from William and started shaking his butt, mimicking spanking motions over himself.

 

Snoke materialized at the bottom of his stool and looked up, his sour face evident. “HUX ! you are making a scene ! On my territory !”

 

“S’OK BOSS MAN ! THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE !!!!” He then ostensibly proceeded to thrust his hips in the air, the postmenopausal women around him wolf-whistling.  

 

“Like that ?” Said Snoke, flashing Armitage’s phone up for him to see, the picture sent by Ben Solo clearly visible on the screen. “You ! Fucking your secretary ! On the company’s property ! Do you know how many rule violations I am seeing here ?”

 

“Ohhhhh THAT!” Armitage yelled back, all coherent thoughts completely gone out the window. “Isn’t that SUCH a beautiful, glorious, Armani of a willy?! LADIES!!” He screeched as he snatched the phone from Snoke’s hand and zoomed into the erect manhood. “DON’T YOU ALL JUST AGREE????” Waving the screen out in front of him. “KYLO FUCKING REN’S SUPREME DICK FOR ALL TO SEE!”

 

Sydonie screamed and grabbed his phone, her eyes practically bulging from her sockets. “SNOOOKIE, isn’t Ren you’re right hand man? I WANT A PIECE OF THAT!”

 

Snoke glared across the sea of hungry cougars piling over Armitage’s phone screen for a glimpse of Solo’s dick pic. “You think I would easily believe that that isn’t you in that photo?!” He sauntered up towards Armitage, towering over him. _“Prove it!”_

 

Armitage turned back and noted that the bartender had just finished balancing the line of shot glass filled with Jägermeister over the glasses of Redbull. He swiped his hand over the first shot glass, setting off a domino’s effect as the others tumbled into the glass below it. Grabbing the nearest one, he downed the drink, slamming it upside down on the counter.

 

“YA WANT PROOF?! HERE!” He screamed, undoing the buttons of his trousers. In his brain, he whipped off his trousers in one smooth motion, displaying his pride and joy to the views of the world. In reality, he stumbled as the edge of his trousers became caught around his groin, and he toppled over the legs.

 

“ARMI! LEMME HELP YOU DAAALING!” Eugenia exclaimed, proceeding to yank off his trousers and boxers.

 

Armitage pulled himself awkwardly up onto the chair, standing atop it as he displayed his dick to the world. “BEHOLD, MY HUMBLE MANHOOD AT YOUR SERVICE!”

 

“ARMI! ARMI! ARMI!” the whole room erupted, several of the elder women taking pictures of Armitage’s exposed groin, some whistling in appreciation.

Snoke snatched the phone once more, then, holding it next to hux rubbed his chin. “Well, my boy, it seems to me that you are in another league entirely. So… Ren, then ?”

“AH ! YEAH! KYLO FUCKING REN! CAUGHT HIM EARLIER TODAY AS I CALLED THE OFFICE!” Armitage stated, his fists on his waist in a perfect ‘Superman catching the wind’ stance.

“I will have to ask this boy to be more careful.” Sighed Snoke, which instantly ignited back the fire in Armitage.

“What? No punishment for inappropriate use of the company’s property?” His eyes bulged as he watched Snoke with inquiring eyes.

“Of course not!” stated the boss in a booming voice. "Ren is my best asset!"

“AAAAAARGH!” Armitage screamed, his head starting to spin.

The sounds around him distorted, the female voices getting slower and darker. And as the colors of the whole scene brightened, his head madly hit the floor.

***

Armitage sat up straight in his bed, screaming like a madman, his hand over his chest to try and control the panic. He looked around, seeing his room back in London, then flopped on his back, his perfectly pressed grey striped pajama intact over his body.

Watching his ceiling, he immediately came to the conclusion that this cruise was a terrible idea. He needed to call his beautiful assistant first thing in the morning to ask her to cancel everything!

***


	4. Reality is a bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... It was all a nightmare... Or is it?   
> Armitage Hux is back in the real world... and things should be fine now that he is awake.  
> But life has other plans.   
> Cue landing himself in a rather... compromising situation.   
> Our favourite couple's about to make an entrance ;) 
> 
> THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED!!   
> [KylandaDragan](https://kylandadragan.tumblr.com/) and [ I ](https://thevwchu.tumblr.com/) would love to hear from you :) 
> 
> Now pull up your panties... Ready? Set. GO!

A cold shower was the first thing in order for Armitage, not because of the image his brain had conjured in his dream, but because his boiler was once again disconnected.

Freezing, however was the last of his concerns, given the fact that he was now facing a very moody cat preventing him from getting in his kitchen.

Aunt Dolores’ feline never liked him. He never liked the damn cat either, and only accepted to keep it for two weeks in his own place because his aunt was a bit of a bully about it and because he feared the reaction of his insanely judgemental grandmother if he even so much as tried to say no.

So here he was, in front of the entrance, and trying to reason with the very reason why his couch had been ripped open during the night.

“Move.” He said in a tone that obviously displeased the cat.

The cat’s tail waved in a threatening way, his mouth opening to let out a very specific growl.

 

“I said MOVE, you worthless piece of shit!!” Armitage yelled, his uncaffeinated brain unable to tolerate anyone, or anything for the matter, that does not obey his orders in his current state. 

 

Not having any of it, Onyx hissed as he glared at Armitage’s face, sending out a very silent but firm “fuck off my territory, human.” 

 

“Fine. THIS is what happens, when you play games with a Hux. Playing territory games in MY KITCHEN!!!!” He announced to the unmoving feline.

 

Sighing with disgust to himself he added, “WHY AM I TALKING TO A CAT???? I am losing my mind… he’s not going to respond...” 

 

Reaching down towards the cat, he went to grab Onyx’s body when shark fangs shot out and embedded itself at the base of his thumb. 

 

Howling in pain, Hux ran with the struggling feline to the nearest door- the store room, and practically threw him in before slamming the door shut. 

 

Hux took one look at his left hand, and found his entire hand covered in blood. 

 

_ So much blood. TOO much blood. Fuck there’s blood EVERYWHERE!!!! Oh my god, I feel sick, I feel…  _

 

Switching off like a light, Armitage Hux fainted in the middle of his living room. 

 

***

 

“34 years old man, found unconscious on his living room’s floor. The emergency call centre has been warned by the man’s neighbour who went to his house to complain about his cat’s destruction in the neighborhood.”

Mr Ren grabbed the folder from the hands of one of the nurses and flipped the pages as he joined the bed. He failed to notice the “up and down” look that woman gave him as he walked past her. Then again, he could also have noticed it without giving a reaction. He knew scrubs were definitely putting him at his best. His chest, tightly clad in the top, never failed to display his carefully worked out pecs and the trousers were cladding his firm and round buttock in a way that couldn’t be done for anyone else. His hair, held back in a half tail – that was part of his rebel spirit-were only partially covering his big and yet desperately attractive ears. But what stood out the most was the tattoo on his large biceps, a testament to his last trip back home.

He lifted his eyes from the folder to assess his patient, only to lifts his eyebrow. « What is fucking Armitage Hux doing in my exam room, people? ». He turned on his heels, an annoyed look on his face.

“Oh I knew he looked familiar, somehow.” Whispered the woman who now had her eyes set over Kylo Ren’s very visible nipples.

 

“I’m an orthopaedic surgeon, not a fucking medic! WHERE ARE MY JUNIORS????” Mr Ren bellowed, and a beautiful brunette in scrubs came running into the room. 

 

“Oh my god Mr Ren, I am so so sorry about this, we ran out of examination rooms outside, and my registrar told me to use this one to manage Mr Hux as he thought it was free, so I brought him here to be examined. I didn’t realise you needed it still!” 

 

Annoyance still firmly etched over his face, Kylo Ren looked down at the tiny slip of a girl, her eyes wide, rosy cheeks dusted with freckles, and her mouth slightly open as she gasped for breath. He would have normally proceeded to chastas the person who had inconvenienced him in any way- especially using HIS room without permission. But then, something about this particular girl captured his attention, and he held his tongue whilst studying her. 

 

“What’s your name, and what part of your training are you currently in?” He started, his tone surprisingly calm. 

 

Blinking up at him, he noted her hands tightening around the tray she held in her hands. “My name is Rey, Rey Endor. I am a final year medical student doing my shadowing period.” 

 

Satisfied with her answer, Mr Ren looked down at the folder again. “Did you clerk him in Rey?”    
  


Nodding briskly, Rey answered, “Yes, I managed to examine him earlier when he regained consciousness initially, but he really doesn’t do well with blood, so had fainted again when I unbandaged his right hand.” 

 

Grunting in disgust, Mr Ren continued to skim the notes. “You mentioned here that you have examined his right hand. What did you find?” 

 

“He has sustained multiple puncture wounds to both dorsum and volar aspect of his right hand which appears slightly inflamed, with a larger transverse laceration to flexor zone 2 of his right thumb. His thumb is well perfused, normal cap refill time, but numbness noted over the ulna aspect. He is able to flex at the MCPJ but not at the IPJ. He has normal extension in the thumb, and normal flexion and extension in all other fingers, median, radial and ulnar nerves are intact both motor and sensation. ” 

 

Rather impressed, Mr Ren stared down at this medical student who described a hand exam in the amount of details that even his SHOs couldn’t provide him. 

 

“Very good Rey, I am impressed. So what do you think is going on?” 

 

Breaking out into a wide smile, Rey stated, “He may be developing an infection from the cat bites, and also sustained injury to his flexor pollicis longus.”  

 

Nodding encouragingly, Mr Ren placed the folder down and asked, “So what would you suggest happen for Mr Hux?” 

 

“He needs IV antibiotics, and to go to theatre for an examination under anaesthetic of the wounds, washout and debridement of cat bite wounds. Depending on how clean the wound is over the FPL, primary repair may be attempted immediately or delayed.” 

 

Looking over to the nurse who looked rather annoyed at being completely ignored, he barked, “Bleep my juniors and tell them to come clerk, mark,consent and prepare Mr Hux for theatre. Admit him, and I want him on IV antibiotics immediately, and to be kept nil by mouth.” 

 

Not bothering to wait for an answer, he turned back to Rey, scribbled a number down and said, “I am more than happy for the patient to be admitted under me, as long as the medics review him immediately and clear him of any medical issues. Give me a call directly in my office once that is sorted, I will be there waiting.” 

 

Rey nodded, jaws slightly opened as Ben paused at the door. “Oh, and Rey, go with the patient to theatres, I want you to join the operation.” 

 

And with that, Mr Ren strode out of the examination room. 

 

“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DISLOCATED ELBOW?!” 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the UK (which is where this is set in) Surgeons are "Mr" and "Miss" not "Dr". It dates back to the days when surgeons were originally butchers, not doctors. 
> 
> Nowadays, it's a way to "show off" that you are a surgeon and not a physician. 
> 
> Now picture Kylo Ren in blue scrubs, pecs practically bursting out the top... And I'm not even going to go there with the crotch. You get the jist ;) 
> 
> Please comment and leave kuddos! And thank you for reading. xxx


	5. What a Load of Bull

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... Armitage is in a hospital... the one he works in, and he's under Kylo Ren's care... 
> 
> Shit is about to get messy ;P
> 
> As stressed multiple times, this is an explicit, R rated fic. Read at your caution people!!
> 
> Please do message/ leave us kudos :) 
> 
> We love hearing from you.

How it got so out of control was beyond the whole staff present in the theater, that day. It wasn’t the fact that Armitage woke up in the most unexpected way in the middle of the wounds washout.

This sometimes could happen.

It was more the fact that it happened three times in a row, with each time mad screams of panic and incoherent declarations such as:

“NO! MR SNOKE! NO! NOT MY BALLS!”

Or, a more embarrassing “I CAN HAVE AN ARMANI DICK WHENEVER I WANT, THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

The final times he was put under, Rey had to hold him down and speak reassuring words. This is when he had smiled in the strangest way under the mask, before whispering a faint:

“Ohhhh my little sunshiiiiine, ya wanna go on a cruise with meeeeee?”

***

When he came back to his senses, a few hours later, courtesy of a very efficient last dose of anesthetic, his head was mildly pounding. He turned his head, only to find a group of giggling nurses not far from him.

His hand was feeling numb and as he tried to raise it to see what was going on, one of the women ran to him and stopped him. “ No no no. don’t move Mr Hux. Everything is alright.”

He licked his lips several times, his mouth feeling a bit pasty.

“Where am I?” he mumbled, the feeling of drowsiness not leaving him for now.

“You are in the recovery room. Your wound has been cleaned and…”

Armitage’s eyes suddenly went huge as the past few hours, or the brief moments of clarity he had of them flashed in his mind.

“THAT BLOODY CAT!” he screamed from the top of his lung, unable to remember the declarations he made in the theater, but that all the whole hospital knew by then.

 

***

After failing miserably at trying to convince the nursing staff from allowing him to leave, Armitage grumbled in defeat as he stared down at the very unappetizing hospital food that was sat in front of him. He was so not touching that sorry excuse of food. It was literally the worst sausage and mash he has ever tasted. I mean- how do you even cock up sausage and mesh?! 

 

Armitage attempted to scoop up the foul looking paste with his left hand, as his right was currently stuck in a blue sling that is suspended from a drip stand. He had tried to remove it earlier, but taking his hand down had proven to make the pain exponentially worse, so he begrudgingly left the contraption where the nurses had hung it. 

 

Failing rather spectacularly at feeding himself with his left hand, Armitage huffed in indignation as he aimed with his fork and proceeded to stab the sausage as hard as he could. Unfortunately, the sausage was having absolutely none of it, and it skidded off his plate and onto his duvet.

 

His face turned red, a twitch of his right eyelid showing that he was on the verge of losing it.

“WHAT THE…”

He took a deep breath and sat up straighter, his right arm blocked at a weird angle and aiming his fork at the sausage, which, of course, was an inch too far. Jerking his left leg up, he made the sausage jump within range, and beamed in triumph.

Armitage’s genuine happiness was short lived, as he proceeded to stab the sausage with too much enthusiasm. Alas, the lack of precision of his left hand made him miss his mark… only to find another spot to stab.

The electric shock he immediately felt when the fork embedded itself in his thigh was nothing like the sharp pain that subsequently followed. Instead of removing the fork, Armitage released it, his horrified eyes watching in disbelief the result of his mistake.

He opened his mouth to take several huge breaths, then proceeded to scream at the top of his lung, his eyes watering.

“FUCK MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!” he bellowed then lowered his head just in time to see his boss come in his room.

Mr Snoke stopped a few feet from the bed, a clear look of annoyance written on his face.

“Do I have to remind you that this is a hospital and that patients request a calm environment in order to heal?”

Armitage looked from his boss to the fork to his boss again.

“What kind of nonsense is that again?” He added with disdain. “Did you stab your own thigh?”

In pure shock, Armitage didn’t know how to explain the whole stupidity of the situation, the sandy mash and the evil jumping sausage and the whole ordeal with that stupid cat…

His brain short circuited and he summed everything up in the weirdest way possible.

“FUCKING AUNT DALORES!”

_ “THAT IS ENOUGH!”  _ Boomed Snoke’s voice as he came to loom ominously in front of his completely crazed employee. “It is BAD ENOUGH that you are not allowed to be back at work for 6 weeks with that damn injury of yours, and now you are acting like an ungrate spoilt brat. Has the mighty Armitage Hux been diminished to such a state?”  

Eyes glowing, Armitage hissed at his boss, “The CAT started it all! It was stalking my home, marking MY territory, it’s trying to sabotage me!”

 

“The cat is trying to sabotage you.” Snoke stated. “It seems you have lost all tangible sense in that thick skull of yours. It appears you will need more than just your hand fixing.” 

 

Armitage was about to open his fat mouth when the door opened, and he stopped when he realised who just walked in. 

 

“Huxey? Are you ok… Oh I am so sorry, I didn’t realise you are otherwise preoccupied!” 

 

Snoke swung around to stare at the brunette who had just interrupted his rather useless interrogation. “Who are you, GIRL? State your purpose!” 

 

“Er, excuse you, there is no need to be rude. What I’m doing here is none of your business.” Rey snapped, standing her ground and glaring at the asshold standing in front of her.    
  
“Plus you seem to be pushing all the wrong buttons with Mr Hux. He’s just came out of surgery, and the anaesthetic proved to be rather unagreeable with him. He isn’t in the right state of mind to be doing any significant talking, let alone be provoked to this level of agitation.” 

 

Walking around and physically placing herself between Armitage and Snoke, Rey glared defyingly at Snoke. “He needs rest. He can do more talking with the likes of you another time. Now may I suggest you leave now before I call security on you.” 

 

Snoke leaned back, crossing his arms. “You would call security on me? You fool. Who do you think you are?!” 

 

Taking a step menacingly towards Snoke, Rey bit out, “I am basically his family, so you’d best fuck off before I do something you definitely won’t like.” She cracked her knuckles, emphasising the last part of her sentence. 

 

Snoke glared at the pest in front of him, and swung back to the gaping man behind her. 

 

“This is not over. Do you hear me Hux?” Snoke sneered, before turning on his heels and out the door.  

 

Once the bald jerk cleared the room, Rey turned her dove-like eyes toward Armitage which immediately made his heart swell.

 

“Thank you.” he croaked, trying to ignore the pain in his leg. “That was brave of you considering who that man is.” He added, trying to readjust himself on the bed.

 

“I don’t care who he is, really. He was stressing my patient, which means he had to get out.”

 

Rey moved closer and helped him settle, her eyes falling on the fork. “Oh Huxey, what have you done again? You are such a klutz at times. You know, if you don’t pay attention, someday, you are going to kill yourself with a stapler!”

 

He mumbles incoherently for a while before clearing his throat and looking up. “Would you mind, um…” And with that, he waved a hand toward the fork.

 

“Oh not at all! Let me get the supply I need and…”

 

“Rey please, just remove the damn fork, it hurts!” he whined, his eyes staying on the ceiling.

Rey moved around the bed then carefully looked at the fork “How in the hell could you embed it so deep?”

 

“That is between my sausage and I.” he grumbled.

 

Rey’s face turned red at the insane double meaning and as a decoy for her own shame, she grabbed the fork and jerked it out, which made Armitage madly yelp. Seeing the blood, she made him promise not to look and quickly went to get all she needed to clean the wound and patch it nice and tight.

 

As she came back, she could only notice that Armitage was in great conversation with himself, which only meant one thing, the pressure was too high, whatever the cause of it!

Discarding the wiggling sausage over the horrible platter of food, she uncovered his leg to evaluate the damages.

 

“You know, things might get better for me around here thanks to you.” She said, taking some supply to actually clean the wound.

 

“M… me?” he squeaked, her touch, despite being delicate, hurting like a bitch!

 

“Oh yes, it’s a silly story really, but when you were admitted, we were a bit crowded and you have been settled in Mr Ren's room and put under my care and …”

Armitage suddenly choked, his eyes bulging.

 

“Shhhh, don’t move! And at first he was upset, but then he asked me a few questions about your condition and I think he liked my conclusions! And now I have an appointment with him! In his office!”

 

Armitage’s face turned crimson as he suddenly imagined himself skinning that goddamn cat raw. “ You…. You mean you are going to go to that meeting?”

 

“Oh yes! Can you imagine? I mean, it’s Kylo Ren, Huxey! Anyone would be lucky to have just 5 minutes of his time!”

 

Armitage’s head started spinning. He looked down at her, his eyes unfortunately spotting some of the blood she cleaned off him over a piece of cotton. “Oh, Bloody hell!” he mumbled before fainting again.

 

***

 


	6. Post gas-man chronicle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hells bells, as if getting bitten and ending up in hospital wasn't bad enough... there seems to be more for Huxey to deal with. Cue his amazing secretary Rey to the rescue! But... is someone trying to steal her away? 
> 
> Please do message and/or leave us kuddos! We are having a blast writing this insane fic... It's an outlet for frustration for us, bear with us and our insanity :P

Kylo Ren, consultant orthopaedic surgeon and medical director was not happy to be kept waiting. He had asked Rey to specifically be in his office at 2:30pm today, so he could have a discussion on her career progression. This is definitely out of the norm for Mr Ren, who has earned the name of Kylo for a very good reason- he’s the fucking sky, completely out of this world for the measly peasants of this world. 

 

After checking his Tag Heuer for the tenth time, he got out of his chair and sighed in disappointment. He thought she was different, but here he was, let down once more even after having so much hope in a potential star. 

 

He grabbed his phone and marched out of his office, feeling rather annoyed on his next task. Snoke had called him earlier asking him to check on Hux, something about him losing his mind completely and needing a check over by himself personally. Before he could reply, the sharp click on the end of the phone announced the end of the conversation. Had he not want to ruin his office just before a meeting with Rey, he would have absolutely annihilated the place. He’s not a fucking medic for starters, and he has juniors for a reason. WHY THE FUCK IS HE CHECKING UP ON FUCKING ARMITAGE HUX FOR A HEAD PROBLEM?! 

 

Seething inwardly, he pictured choking the life out of the sorry excuse of a man. Oh the satisfaction in watching him gasp for breath, eyes popping out of his sockets. 

 

Mr Ren smirked to himself.  _ Let him feel the full wrath of Kylo Ren. Then, I can move onto more enjoyable things… such as finding where that girl is.  _

 

***

Oh seriously, this could not be happening! Right at the time for her appointment with Mr Ren on top of it! Rey momentarily abandoning her work on his leg, she stood and bend over him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him.

 

“Don’t do this to me! Come on, Huxey!”

 

The limp form of the red haired man sprawled on the bed, partially uncovered, still in a patient blouse with no underwear on, didn’t so much as to make a move, and Rey whined in despair as she grabbed his face between both hands.

 

“Armitage! Please!”

 

***

 

Kylo Ren froze in front of the door as he heard the heated female voice. His eyes suddenly narrowed. Surely, the sniveling little weasel wouldn’t dare getting quality time on the hospital premise!

 

He stormed in the room, only to find a female form bending over the patient who, conveniently enough was in a state of undress compatible with the assault he was currently witnessing.

 

Hearing the noise, Rey stood straight, meeting a pair of extremely dark and predatory eyes on her.

 

“Mr Ren!” she said, a bit breathless.

 

Kylo Ren moved his narrowed eyes from her face to Armitage’s limp and uncovered manhood, to the half patched spot on his upper thigh to his desperately sleeping face.

 

“WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?” He barked, clearly annoyed by anything related to Hux, but also quite affronted with the idea that this woman has dismissed their meeting for that impossibly annoying little shit!

 

Rey blinked then looked down at Armitage and his state of undress.

 

_ Oh my god! _ she thought.  _ What is he imagining? Wait a minute, does he think I could be THAT unprofessional? _

 

“Mr Hux stabbed himself on the thigh.” She said, her voice a bit accusatory. “I couldn’t decently leave him with a soiled eating tool stuck in his upper thigh. Unfortunately, it appears blood makes him faint. I specifically asked him not to look but he did and here is the result!”

Armitage woke to a rather significant amount of yelling in the background, so he kept his eyes shut and listened to the flying conversation. 

 

“He stabbed himself in the thigh! Good god Snoke wasn’t kidding when he said Hux has gone off the rail. I’m gonna need some brainiac to get involved ASAP. MITAKA!!” Ren bellowed, and a series of loud food steps announced the arrival of a very disheveled looking surgeon who practically sprinted at the call. 

 

“Mr Hux has been acting extra in character these days- I need you to assess him and make a referral to neurosurgery ASAP, and make them take over care. I can’t have him going crazy on my ward.” 

 

“Excuse me?! You can’t just call him crazy and send him off?! He needs our attention and he is acting out of character likely secondary to all the shock he’s experienced in the last day!” Rey yelled. 

 

Kylo Ren swung around and glared at Rey. “ _ His behaviour is not my problem! I have fixed his main issues, all he needs is antibiotics and physio. He can do that anywhere else!!”  _

 

Furious, Rey shot daggers at Ben. “AND YOU CALL YOURSELF THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR?! YOU DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYONE, ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS STATUS, MONEY AND REPUTATION YOU MONSTER!”

 

“HOW DARE YOU USE THAT TONE OVER ME, MISS ENDOR?” If eyes could kill, then Ben would certainly have destroyed his mark on the spot.

 

“AND HOW DARE YOU OVERLOOK YOUR PATIENT’S WELL BEING IN SUCH A RECKLESS MANNER? IF ANYTHING, HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HELPED FEEDING SINCE HE IS RIGHT HANDED! HOWEVER, THE NURSES OBVIOUSLY ARE A LITTLE TOO BUSY SPREADING WHAT HE SAID IN THE THEATER TO ACTUALLY DO THEIR JOB!”

 

Or not. His anger deflated a little, impressed by her way of standing her ground in front of him. Being used to seeing people crawl in front of him, lately, he didn’t have many good occasions to have a good banter like this.

 

Rey jutted her chin, completely missing the fact that Armitage’s jaw dropped.  HE SAID SOMETHING?!? AND IT WAS WORTH SPREADING AS A RUMOR? OOOOHHHH FUCK HIS LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!

 

Mitaka remained frozen on his spot, the shock of seeing his boss being yelled at being too much for him.

 

Suddenly, Mr Ren turned on his heels and barked in his face “GO TO THE NURSING WARD AND ASK THEM WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHY NO ONE THOUGHT ABOUT HELPING THE PATIENT!”

 

“Right away sir!” replied Mitaka, fighting the urge of making a military salute before racing out of the room.

 

Mr Ren took a deep breath and turned back, looking at Rey with annoyance. “Are you happy, now?” he said, his voice dark and yet silky.

 

Rey tried ignoring the sight in front of her: his disheveled state, his top maybe too tight for him, his large biceps…

 

“That is a beginning!” she dared, fighting herself to avoid looking like a deer caught in some car lights.

 

“You missed our appointment.” he added, pointing a finger at her.

 

“The patient was bleeding on the sheets.” Her eyebrow lifted, daring him to find something wrong about that.

 

“His penis is fully exposed.” He added, icily.

 

_ WHAT? SHE CAN SEE MY PENIS? I DON’T WANT HER TO SEE MY PENIS! WELL, NOT LIKE THIS!  _ Armitage’s face was now red. He had to control himself at any cost!

 

“It happens when you don’t wear underwear.” She stated, shrugging her shoulders a little.

 

“It’s a small one.” Ben commented, a smirk forming on his lips.

 

This is when horror truly struck Armitage… pure unadulterated horror. A bee who had lost its way in the halls came in the room. Attracted by the food scent, it decided to get close to Armitage, who immediately heard it, given the fact that bees terrified him!

 

He opened one eye, weakly, only to see the damn insect circle his wound with a purpose… then the bee decided to land… but not on the wound … oh no …not on the wound…

 

And suddenly, Armitage Hux bellowed for the whole hospital : “THERE IS A BEE ON MY WIENER!”

 

Rey whipped around and screamed “I’m allergic to those buggers!!” before practically diving out the room. “AND I DON’T HAVE MY EPIPEN!!”

 

Mr Ren remained rooted to the spot, a very amused smirk on his face. “Well well well, didn’t realise your unimpressive dick would have any attention ever- you’d best be satisfied a bee found it interesting enough to bother going near it.” 

 

Armitage practically jumped off the bed, swatting the bee off his pride and joy. “YOU FUCKING CUNT!! Don’t think just because you are Snoke’s fucking golden lapdog that you can get away with this shit!!!” 

 

Unfortunately, he was still attached to the drip stand; Armitage was pulled backwards when he attempted to advance on the sniggering surgeon, and was pulled unceremoniously backwards, landing rather heavily on his bottom. 

 

His eyes went wide as his breath was cut. The colors of his face completely drained, he suddenly let out a loud scream, his eyes turning watery.

 

Oh he knew the possible outcomes already, having seen fucking Aunt Dolores go through this with her gigantic rear. He was at best bruised, and at worst, he just had broken his tailbone!

 

Balancing between disbelief and hilarity, Mr Ren suddenly let out a booming laugh that echoed through the whole room and beyond.

 

“Can you be more pathetic than that?” He said, his chest heaving before breaking into another fit of laughter.

 

Yes. He could. He could… because in the commotion, something very precious to him and currently unprotected by underwear had also hit the floor with a very characteristic slapping sound.

 

It was like hitting the water in a wrong way at the swimming pool. Or getting sunburnt despite wearing full screen during his holidays when he was 17. Or like being slapped in the face by Gwendolyn Phasma when they were in kindergarten because she didn’t want to share the blue paint with him - he had painted the sky green instead, which had earned him a little visit with the school doctor to make sure he was correctly seeing colors-

 

It was fast. It was harsh. And it was… so… fucking… painful!

 

Armitage Hux, humiliated as he was, shuddered as he tried to reign in the squeal he was about to produce from the mind numbing pain that was currently tearing through his balls. He doubled over, and before he could stop himself- emptied what little stomach content he had onto Ben Solo’s black leather Oxfords.    
  
Roaring in disgust, Kylo Ren wrenched himself back from Armitage and bellowed, “YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU JUST RUINED MY NEW OXFORDS! MITAKA! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU YOU SNAIL PACED PIECE OF SHIT?” 

 

Multiple sets of footsteps announced the arrival of practically the entire ward. Kylo Ren yelled at the herd of wide eyed staff that have completely crowded the entrance to Armitage’s side room.

 

“SOMEONE SORT THAT IDIOT OUT, AND YOU!” He yelled at the first person directly in front of him. “CLEAN MY SHOES UP!” After he practically threw his now discarded shoes to the side before stomping out of the room in only his socks. 

 

Two of the foundation doctors grunted in response as they went up to hoist Armitage up from his dire and exposed position, while the core trainee quickly ran to grab a cloth to salvage Mr Ren’s shoes. 

 

***


	7. A Song of Ice and Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well... Poor ol' Huxinator is not out of the woods yet... Especially when someone else from his past comes back in... at the wrong time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh you know, this is a never ending journey for our poor Huxey!  
> He's a brilliant character to... torture (he really makes it too easy for us :P)   
> Comments, kudos and your love are all like sex- you can never get enough ;) 
> 
> Now sit back and enjoy the ride, mwahahahaha xxx

Retrospectively, Armitage will look at this episode as the less controversial of his whole hospital stay. The pain remained for a few hours but was dimmed by the use of a lot of ice down there, providing a much needed break from the impression of being stomped on repeatedly by some brand new Oxford shoes worn by someone screaming “Take that one! And that one! And that one again!”

 

Cursing his fertile imagination, he waited for the next morning to ask for his immediate release, which caused a fit of hilarity among the nurses.

 

At 9 am, a giant blonde woman with piercing blue eyes and a somewhat familiar face entered the room, wearing scrubs. Armitage immediately narrowed his eyes, his hands protectively landing over his manhood.

 

“Good morning, I am Gwendolyn Phasma, your appointed neurosurgeon and I am here to evaluate your case by request of Mr Snoke and Mr Ren.”

 

The giant woman stopped next to the bed and tilted her head, her arms folding. “I know you.” She added, pointing a single finger at him.

 

Hux’ eyes widened in slow motion, his brain acknowledging at the same time her eyes color, the sound of her voice and her name. 

 

In his mind several images flashed at once, from a green sky to a gigantic slap on the face when he was 4, to that embarrassing moment when he was 10 during sport class and he crashed on his stomach in front of that blonde girl wearing huge glasses and having her knees scratched, to that first party when he was 14 and when that long legged blonde girl already towering over him grabbed him by his lapel and passed him her already chewed gum during his favorite A-HA song.

 

“Oh my god.” He squeaked, which triggered in her the lifting of a very arrogant eyebrow.

Oh, yes, that was her! His first kiss! His childhood fantasy! Who literally moved away the day after she stole his sanity while listening to “The sun always shine on TV” in the smelly and moldy basement of Kevin Jensen in 1989!

 

“Now now Armi, you didn’t think I would miss your special entrance into the hospital eh? You’ve only got the entire theatre staff, plus recovery talking. And what exactly did you mean about  _ those pair of sagging watermelons _ ?” Gwendolyn sniggered as she walked over and loomed over his shaking form. 

 

Armitage stared up in silence.  _ How is it after more than 20 years, the same exact girl can still make me a slobbering idiot?! _

 

After what seemed to be at least 10 minutes of complete silence, Armitage squeaked. “ I usually know exactly what to say… but in this moment, I have no words. I guess… I’m overwhelmed by you- and I’m not quite sure if it’s a good thing.” 

 

Letting out a rather unlikely cackle, Gwendolyn looked straight at him, hands resting alarmingly close to his thigh, “ Be careful making wishes in the dark Armi, you never know

when they've hit their mark.” 

 

Starting to practically hyperventilating, Armitage scooted away as far as physically possible. “Why are you here again?????” 

 

Leaning down deliberately, Gwendolyn pressed her face into his vision. “You will remember me, for centuries, Armi.” 

 

“Will I?” he squeaked, his eyes bulging.

 

“Hmmm… oh I am certain of it.” She added, clicking her tongue then wiggling her eyebrows.

 

Too fast! His mind was screaming… TOO FAST! And yet, there he was, his arm still blocked because of that damn cat, his modesty in full jeopardy because of a combined effort of those horrible hospital robes, Mr Ren’s stunt from the evening before, and the wild amazon currently in front of him.

 

And yet her face was hovering closer, and closer and…

 

Just stopped and froze after hearing that loud noise in the room.

 

That was a sound Armitage knew well. Ooooohhhh yes! That was exactly that dreaded little sign of annoyance he was getting from his part time secretary when she was in full disapproving mode.

 

The last time he had heard this was right after she had suggested the cruise and he had, as an answer, nervously laughed.

 

She did it again.

 

Rey loudly cleared her throat as she stomped in the bedroom her face hiding nothing of her disapproval.

 

Phasma stood up full height and turned, right in time to meet a set of very annoyed hazel eyes. “Yes?” she inquired, a bit of disdain in her voice.

 

Rey was holding a paper bag in her hand and a Styrofoam cup of steaming hot tea.

“What are you doing in my patient’s room? Miss …?”

 

Hux tilted his head to watch the younger woman and once he noticed the way she was stiffly holding herself, her knuckles turning white over the items in her hands, he developed the clear feeling he was about to witness a real life combat in the mud… except, without mud.

 

“That would be MISS  Phasma to you, consultant neurosurgery consultant. And to what particular level of training are YOU currently in?” Sneered Phasma as she peered down at the slip of a girl who had so rudely interrupted her rather enjoyable torture session.  _ Bloody infants don’t know their places these days… _

 

“Well, MISS Phasma, I am the final year student who is currently overlooking Mr Hux’s care. I find it extremely disturbing to see him in quite the state clearly induced by your presence.” 

 

Squaring up to her and puffing out her chest, Rey stared straight into Phasma’s eyes. “Mr Hux is in a delicate physical and emotional state at present. I would suggest you review him on another occasion, in a more professional manner.” 

 

Smirking outwardly, Phasma raised her blonde brow. “So you, a medical student, are telling me, a consultant, where to go? Well well well, our little kitten has claws doesn’t she?” 

 

Squinting, Rey’s mouth thinned into a line. “And if you don’t leave, this kitten will do more than scratching.” 

 

Chuckling in amusement, Phasma strolled leisurely over to the door. “Well, I was only doing my job  _ student. _ When Mr Ren comes all guns blazing later on about why his patient has not been reviewed by neurosurgery, I will be sure to redirect him to you.” 

 

Turning slightly, Phasma looked past Rey and locked eyes with Armitage. “And this is so not over Armi; in fact, I’d say this is the start to something… very VERY interesting…” Letting out a snigger, she strutted out the door, red stilettos clicking on the pristine white floor. 

 

  
Armitage swallowed the excess of saliva in his mouth, still in complete disbelief about what just happened. The shock was so intense that he didn’t notice Rey coming closer until she was next to the bed and handing him the bag and the cup.

  
“I thought you might enjoy a decent breakfast.” She says in her usual cheery tone.   
Armitage sighed. Did that woman have to be that perfect? 

 

Clumsily releasing the ice bag, he grabbed the cup and nodded when she put the paper bag over the small table sitting next to the bed.

  
“Earl Grey. As you like it.”

  
“Thank you, Rey.” He says, happy to hear that for once his voice was normal around her.

  
“How are you feeling this morning?” she asked, her eyes landing over his insanely bandaged hand.

  
“You mean, beside majorly humiliated by my life in general and by the last 36 hours in particular? Good! Jolly good!” Armitage made a grimace as he looked at the lid covering the cup.

 

Rey sighed and removed the lid for him before sitting on the side of the bed.

  
“It gets better, you know?” she told him, that insanely comforting smile still in place.   
He looked up at her from his cup, and for once, his red hair weren’t so sternly slicked back. They were a little in his eyes and the soft and yet sad smile he was giving her was nothing like the controlled grin he was forcing himself to have when he was in business mode.

  
“They believe I am insane.” He stated, not removing his eyes from her face.

  
“Shit happens! But you know you aren’t. So, what’s the big deal really?”  

  
His eyes fell on her dimples and he sighed before taking a sip of his tea. How this woman could reach him so deeply with a few single sentences was beyond him.

  
“I don’t know.” He finally said while lowering the cup.

  
“You realize they just love to torture you around here, right? I mean, your boss is obviously an ass to you, Mr Ren doesn’t like you, and the blonde fury that just left…”

  
“Was the girl who stuck her tongue down my throat when we were 14 right before breaking my heart and stomping violently over it the next day when she moved away.”

  
“Yeah?  Then why does she act like a molester now?” Rey asked, her eyes as wide as saucers.

  
He couldn’t help himself in front of her big doe eyes looking like they were caught into some car lights.  He cracked up, his good arm jerking and some of the hot tea spilling over his lap.   
The most prized part of his anatomy now caught between ice and fire, Armitage’s eyes watered, as a weak noise escaped from his mouth.

  
“This is so not Game of Thrones!” he whined in front of a very confused Rey.

  
“What?” blinked the young woman who didn’t see the tea spill on Armitage’s lap.

  
“My balls are singing a song of ice and fire!”   
  


***


	8. Autoincorrect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helllllllo  
> And welcome  
> To another chapter of HUXEY'S UNFORTUNATE LIFE!  
> Now this chapter was.... definitely inspired by real events, joint real events from both respective parties.  
> And dare I say this is something that crops up in everyone else's life? 
> 
> Now please sit back and enjoy... the continued torture of Huxey. 
> 
> Mwahahahaha.

After a week of torture, Armitage Hux signed a relief to be back in his domain- his office. He felt like he had been chewed up and spat right back out of that shit hole, and it really didn’t help that that exact same hospital was also his workplace. But then he worked in the management domain, so he managed to avoid the unnecessary reminder of seeing all the clinical areas that has been a pain in his backside throughout his stay. 

 

Thankfully luck is somewhat on his side, and he didn’t have any underlying damages from THAT cat, and he has been signed off and kicked out his hospital bed. Rey wasn’t happy with him being discharged so quickly, and was even less so when he told her he would be back today. She had scrunched up her little button nose, then wagged her finger at him, “Don’t you go doing anything stupid, or you’ll land yourself back over here! I can’t be there with you every second, so you need to take care of yourself Huxey.” 

 

Rey wasn’t in work today as she had class, but she had made sure that everything was as he liked- his Nespresso coffee pods were filled, his paperwork and diary neatly on his desk… He stilled. That desk. This room. Oh holy shit. This room. The dream. Rey. REN. 

 

Armitage did a double take and ran for his private toilet, emptying his breakfast down the toilet. Why did he have to dream of them having sex in HIS OFFICE?! Now everytime he comes into the room, all he’ll ever think about was them having sex on HIS desk. 

 

Whipping his mouth, Armitage stilled. “Why on earth would I even put those two together?! I mean, Rey is a smart girl who is far too nice and good, she is definitely not going to end up with some idiot like Ren.”  

 

He then stood up and grabbed a piece of toilet paper, patting it over his clammy face. « No, that wouldn’t be possible. She can’t stand him and he can’t stand humanity ! He probably fucks sex robots when he has needs !»

  
Hux made another face, a new wave of nausea hitting him as he pictured Kylo Ren  bedding giant animated dolls. "Alright ! Alright. Enough with the bad images!" He quickly got out of the private bathroom and joined again the  desk where he was hoping no marks had been left and…

 

"LALALALALALALA !" Hux put his hands over his ears before his overactive imagination started feeding this stupid dream with a ton of insanely realistic details.  

  
He managed to sit at his desk and took the first folder, opening it to study the  case exposed there.

 

No, but seriously, they wouldn’t make a great couple. He is too tall and too broad for her and she is too fla… "LALALALALALALALALALA !  DAMN IT !!!!"

  
Hux stood up and kicked his expensive desk several times, his eyes widening and suddenly squealing like a pig, or a sow, given the high pitched frequency his throat let out after he majorly stubbed his toes.

  
"I NEED TO STOP DOING THAAAAAAAAT !!!!!" He yelled before flopping on his chair.

  
Alas, the pathetic slippery leathered thing rolled back just as his bottom touched it, making him land on the hard floor on his still heavily bruised tailbone.   
  


His breath completely knocked out of him, Armitage groaned as he tried to still his pounding heart. Why the FUCK is his butt so damn painful. Why in the name of God is life being such a shit game to him?! 

 

_ I need a break. A proper break! Not one of those retirement shit excuse of a cruise trip type of break…. That reminds me… I NEED TO TELL REY IM NOT GOING ON THAT SHIP. It’s gonna be Titanic all over for me- fucking nightmare that.  _

 

Grabbing ahold of the nearest chair, he attempted to hoist himself up. He was doing just fine until his eyes became leveled with the table, and he noticed a letter with his name handwritten across the front. Snatching it off the desk, he tore into the envelope, yanking out a piece of parchment paper…  _ Who writes in parchment paper?! _

 

The words written across it gave him all the answers he needed. 

 

Scribbled in perfect calligraphy was one sentence. 

 

_ You will remember me, for centuries.  _

 

Armitage groaned then read again that sentence, wondering if it was meant to be taken in a good or a bad way.

 

Then again, after the disaster that has been his life for the past few days, no one, not even his cute secretary could blame him for this !

 

As if on cue, his desk phone rang. Armitage slowly and carefully arranged his painful bottom on his chair, then picked up the receiver, clearing his throat.

 

"Hello ? " He said in the most neutral tone he could conjure, given the pulsing ache coming from his tailbone.

 

"Armitage, so delighted to hear you !"  At first, Armitage didn’t recognize that voice. The cheery tone with a hint of arrogance wasn’t excessively familiar to him… unless he was thinking about its teenage version and then, things were clearer.

 

"Um… Gwendoline ? " he asked, his tone a bit guarded.

 

"That’s right. Did you get my note ?" Phasma definitely sounded very decided, and Armitage decided to pull over his collar a little, the air thickening around him.

 

"Oh, that was you ?" Of course that was her ! And she probably knew he knew ! Christ, why did he feel the need to be so neutral ?

 

"I started calligraphy 6 years ago to calm my nerves. You should find an activity like that, you’d be less agitated. Anyway ! I wanted to know what you were doing tomorrow night."

 

He’ll probably be watching another rerun of Sherlock, just because he'd love to be so brilliant.

" Er, I don’t know." is all he could mumble.

 

" Perfect ! 6 :30 ! your office. I’ll pick you up ! Be your gorgeous self !" she said, that cheery tone definitely creeping him out.

 

"Wait ! why ?"

 

"Ooohh now, don’t be greedy ! It’s a surprise !"  She cut, then hung up before he could add anything else.

 

Staring at his phone, Armitage was still reeling from shock when another message popped up on his screen. His assistant’s name flashed across his screen, followed by a message behind it. 

 

“Hey Huxey! Hope you are all settled in. Your mail and documents are all on your table. Remember you have a board meeting at 4pm today, and your Aunt is back in town to pick up her cat from yours this evening… By the way, that woman who was checking you out at the hospital? She’s some hot shot neurosurgeon who also has a thing for boxing… I wouldn’t cross her if I were you…. Do stay away please?” 

 

With information overload, Armitage eyed both his phone and the piece of parchment staring at him.  _ Women!!! Why can’t I just get rid of them all… Oh Aunt Deloras…. About fucking time she picked up that worthless piece of shit from MY TERRITORY. Oh what I would do just to snap his neck in two…. _

 

And just when his murderous thoughts took a rather drastic turn in his head, another ping from his phone pulled him back to the flashing screen. 

 

He really shouldn’t have looked. 

 

Staring up at him, was a message from Kylo fucking Ren. 

 

“Snoke’s orders. Team building. This bank holiday weekend. Windermere. Bring your swim trunks.” 

 

Windermere. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK! Why is he going to the Lake District, with KYLO FUCKING REN?! For TEAM BUILDING?! 

 

Ok! Now was not the time to flip out! Not if he wanted to remain in one piece! Armitage read once again Rey’s message then rubbed his eyes, a clear sign of his increasing anxiety. On one hand, he could see Rey’s point, seriously! On the other hand, his 14 years old self was struggling in his mind to not let this opportunity go away, because, that was… Gwenny ! The girl he had had a crush on since kindergarten…

 

And who, if Rey’s information were correct, could crush his nose or anything else any time of the day. He tried analyzing the situation… Granted, her actions in his hospital room sounded a bit crazy, and the parchment ordeal with the creepy phone call could be concerning, but he had to admit…

 

Oh who was he kidding! That was flat out creepy and he needed to get out of tonight’s plan! Plus, his new crush was Rey, wasn’t she?

 

Ah! Fucking Dolores would do it! She had to pick up her goddamn hellion from his home in the evening, so there was no way he could get out to get trashed and then assaulted in a back alley by his former obsession.

 

Easy! He would only have to call back Gwendoline to tell her that nope… Armitage Hux would not make it tonight! Or any night! He was an empowered man in control of his destiny and no amount of girl power would change this!

 

Cue- in his min- a very revealing picture of Gwendoline wearing a skimpy outfit and dancing in the middle of the spice girls!

 

Then, there was the team building thing with FUCKING Armani Ren and his giant Armani penis! Damn it! Would he ever be rid of this insanely detailed cruise nightmare?  Team building! More like team disintegration, with a temperamental/asshole surgeon such as Kylo FUCKING Ren! If a simple text could trigger such a large amount of inner rage, then he could only dread what a full week-end of retreat trapped with that asshole would do!

 

99% of chances they would have to share a room too!  NO! WAY!

 

Now, how to get out of this… what to do? What to do?

Ah! He could call Snoke and cook a big fat lie smothered in a huge amount of suck up sauce just to be excused from this ridiculous gathering.

 

Working himself up, Armitage dragged his sore bottom off the floor and onto his chair, swinging around to turn his computer on. He’ll just email Snoke now, saying that… He’s not feeling well? His aunt just died? Oh good God what on earth should he tell him… His Outlook page loaded as the computer hummed, and he vaguely registred the mounting list of unread emails clogging his inbox. He was about to click on the create icon when he noticed an email from the very person he was about to email. 

  
Taking an audible gulp, Armitage click onto the email link with dread. This doesn’t look good at all… 

 

“Hux. I trust you are now officially back in business after taking off that entire week. Must I emphasise that it has been a week too long, and I expect you to be in fighting form now that you have had your rest days in. It has come to my attention that your relationship with Mr Ren is forced at best. This will not do. As the medical director and head of management, I need you both to harbour a decent degree of respect and appreciation for each other. For that very reason, I expect you to turn up to the team building exercise that is arranged for both Mr Ren’s and your team. And before you ask- opting out is out the questions for any reason. Unless you want to say goodbye to your job, I suggest you turn up with your swimming trunks and a more pleasant attitude this bank holiday weekend.”

 

That team building session was wrong on so many levels! The first idea that was revolting him was that it was with Ren! A full week-end having to bear his snarky comments and him prancing around like a fashion model!

 

Then there was the obvious red flag created by two separate ideas becoming very disturbing once put together! Swimming trunks, meaning that at some point, they would have to be undressed, and his team, which means it was involving his cute secretary!

 

This was literally like throwing the lamb into the lion den! Rey! In a bathing suit! In front of Armani Ren, a certified womanizer with stamina and needs very well known into all the dark corners of the hospital! How many nurses had to resign for a severe case of broken heart after he got what he needed from them?

 

A tiny voice in his head whispered “it is perhaps your chance”. That was Confidence… Confidence was small, barely vocal, but she occasionally could come out to voice her concerns…

 

Until Honesty, who was a true bully, invariably came over to silence Confidence. Loudly. And this time with a thundering: “Don’t be stupid! You are not as broad, you will turn red from the very first second under the sun and your dick is definitely not Armani sized!  Just forget it!”

 

Hux groaned, then looked again at his phone to answer Snoke’s message.

 

Doom. This was complete Doom. The only possibility he had left was… sucking up to his boss and pray for time to fly once trapped near Lake Windermere.

 

_ Dear sir, _

_ The team building is a brilliant idea. _

_ I will make sure my collaborators identify it as such. _

_ As for me, I will turn up with a pleasant attitude in order to please you. _

_ Armitage Hux _

 

He pressed sent without double checking his message. Then, assaulted by doubts, he read the message that was currently being processed by his phone service.

 

His eyelid suddenly twitched and he had to rub his eyes once before reading again. The message wasn’t exactly what he had intended…

 

It was even the contrary.

 

_ Dead shit, _

_ the team bullying is a brilliant idea. _

_ I will make sure my collaborators identify it as suck. _

_ As for me, I will turn up with a peasant attitude in order to plague you. _

_ Armitage Hugs. _

 

Screaming like a mad man, and seeing that the message was still not fully sent, Armitage started acting like a maniac in order to block the process.

 

Unfortunately, much like its autocorrect feature, the treacherous device had a mind on its own, and as Armitage found at last the way to block it all, the little wheel stopped spinning to be replaced by the current time:

 

9 : 46

 

“Time of death, 9:46. Cause, stupidity!” said Honesty before cackling into his vacant mind.

 

***


	9. Team Building on Steriods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... What can go wrong with a little itsy bit of team building?  
> Clearly everything since Huxey is in the middle of it all. 
> 
> Cue... time for some REYLO people 
> 
> Oh yes... time for some yummy time between our favourite couple ;) 
> 
> And, more Hux torture?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving on from the desk top...  
> [KylandaDragan](https://kylandadragan.tumblr.com/) and [I](https://thevwchu.tumblr.com/) have another little chapter on Huxey's life. 
> 
> We hope you like it!
> 
> Do comment and leave us kudos :D
> 
> I don't think another disclaimer on how... graphic shit gets down here, but- DISCLAIMER!! READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.

Damn him to hell and back. 

 

Snoke was not happy with his reply, He had not only took the liberty to yell at him in front of the entire working force, he’s also made him gravel like a child in front of all his inferiors.

 

That and obviously he was very much still stuck going to this bullshit of a team bonding experience malarkey. 

 

And then Aunt mother fucking Deloras came over to pick up her “precious”, and was being such a bitch. She told him off, HIM, for not being there to “take care of her darling precious” when he ended up in hospital- something about emotional trauma and prolonged lack of human contact. She then started going into how shit her life is, and how her arse of an ex-husband is still involved in her life, still trying to live off her, still being a leech as usual. She only droned on for what, 4 hours? No fucking big deal otherwise. 

 

So here he is, stuck in his blue Austin Mini Vintage, driving up the M40 on his way to the Lake District for the team building weekend. He’s only done half an hour’s worth of driving, and he was already dying inside. How is he going to do the 5 hour journey without killing himself in the process?! 

 

The only saving grace was Rey’s presence. She had asked for a ride up, as she doesn’t own a car- it didn’t seem very useful owning one in London when public transport worked so much better anyways. Hux had listened in and out of the conversation, hearing random snippets such as her friend Jessica’s relationship drama, and her cat BB-8’s everyday life… DID SHE JUST MENTION SHE HAS A CAT?! 

 

“Why is your cat called BB-8 again?” Armitage enquired, as he tried to appear engaged in the conversation. 

 

“Oh that! Well… See BB is a stray. I was living with my best friend Finn back in the days second year of uni, and Finn had a pet goldfish. Anyways, one day I came back to the house to find the bowl smashed to the floor, fish nowhere to be seen, and a tabby cat sat in the middle of Finn’s room. I wasn’t a big fan of the fish anyways so I thought it was hilarious. Finn wasn’t happy at all and he was trying to shoo BB away. Funnily enough, BB didn’t seem to give a shit, and kinda stared at him with a “fuck off you insignificant human” face. I remembered saying HA look what that baby ate?! And then…. That name just stuck! So…. Baby ate, turned into BB-8 for short.” 

 

Rey leaned back and watched Armitage through her lashes. The man has always been on the anxious side, but he is clearly losing his shit today. His face was extra pasty, cold sweat dotted over his brows, and he was definitely not paying much attention to the road or her. He’d almost ran into a could of cars taking rather hasty cuts, and quite frankly he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be operating on a vehicle. 

 

“Armi, you look shit, and frankly you almost ran us off the motorway on more than one occasion. It’s only been 30 minutes, and we still have at least another four and a half hours to go.” She paused as she saw the sign of a rest station. “Pull over at the rest station. We’re swapping.” 

 

Swerving from the sudden request, Armitage stuck his middle finger out to the other driver who honked at him angrily for nearly hitting him whilst Armitage was changing lanes, again. 

 

“What do you mean you’re taking over?! You’re a girl, and you don’t even have your own car! I mean do you even drive?!  Last I checked you didn’t. Plus I am your boss, how dare you take that tone on me?!” 

 

Rey rolled her eyes, and turned to face him fully. “I’m not repeating myself Mr. Pull over. Swap. Now!” 

 

Face tomato red from not the many conflicting emotions running in his head, Armitage pulled into the rest station and stopped. Rey jumped out of her side and yanked his door open. After a rather pointed look from the tiny slip of a girl, Armitage sighed in defeat and got out of his side. She really shouldn’t be driving his car as she wasn’t insured, but then he really wasn’t in the mood to drive either. 

 

Once Rey was happily settled and adjusted to her driving spot. She turned and grinned at him, “Alright buckle up Mr, I’ll try and make this journey as short and fun as possible.” 

 

Before he could even respond, Rey zoomed out of the carpark and slammed the car into full race mode onto the motorway. 

 

It was a complete blur of speed, smooth takeovers and drifting over the corners of country roads. All Armitage could remember was his shilling yelps and screams of terror as Rey managed to accelerate to at least 100 miles per hour, maneuvering and maintaining control plus discretion in monitored areas, and cutting corners without decelerating in the small windy country roads. How she dodged all the cameras plus being pulled over by law enforcement in the first place absolutely baffles him. Armitage was ready to throw up when she pulled up to Lake Windermere, completely emptying his breakfast onto the gravel.  After a rather painful 5 minutes of heaving straight, Armitage whipped his mouth on the back of his hand and stared at his watch. He had to do a double take. SHE MADE THE TRIP 1 HOUR LESS THAN EXPECTED. 

 

He looked up as Rey walked into his line of sight. “You doing ok boss man?” She said, sticking out a tissue for him. 

 

Armitage just looked at her, then squealed, “HOW DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE LIKE THAT?!” 

 

Rey lifted a delicate eyebrow and folded her arms. “Did you doubt a girl could drive like this?”

Uh oh. Red. Flag. Red. Flag… screamed Honesty in Armitage’s mind.

 

“I mean! A whole hour early?” he added, trying to dim the annoyance already forming in rey’s eyes.

 

Her left foot started tapping as she tilted her head. “Yes, a whole hour early because we didn’t have to be snails…”

 

“Yes but that’s a mini! It technically can’t go that fast!” he nearly screamed, feeling cornered.

Rey huffed, sticking her nose up “That’s because you don’t know how to sweet talking it!” she then proceeded to lick her delicate lips before adding in a low and nearly seductive tone. 

 

“Sometimes, the most complex pieces of machinery only need fine tuning to reach their full… potential.”

 

Armitage’s jaw nearly dropped, his head spinning under the combined effect of the fast motion he experienced on the road, losing his breakfast and seeing this delicious young secretary telling the tale of her amazing driving skills as if she was talking about sex. Oh damn it, he was slowly getting hard…

 

“Don’t even think abouuuuuuuuuut it!” giggled Honesty before adding “oh! Look!! Mr Armani is here!”.

 

A loud roaring echoed all around as a black and red Lamborghini Centenario stopped right next the blue Mini.

 

3 things happened at the same time:

 

Rey’s eyes moved to look appreciatively at the sports car.

 

Armitage’s left eye twitched, and his penis suddenly deflated, nearly shrinking to the point it would vanish inside.

 

“Cockblocked!!!!” squealed Honesty in his head.

 

Kylo Ren climbed out of his car in a fluid motion. Straightening his black jacket over an equally dark shirt, he artistically ran a hand through his luscious mane before adjusting his Ray Ban. Then he proceeded to turn his head and to look at the Blue Mini, his eyebrow rising above the top of his sunglasses.

 

“What the fuck is that?” he said, pointing at the tiny car.

 

“Geez, Ren, do you need a visual dictionary to discover the wonderful world around you? This is a car.” grumbled Armitage, trying to hide his defeated look. Since he was about to be ridiculed once again, he could as well throw a few snarky comment before going down, right?

 

Rey snorted a little then cleared her throat when Ren assessed her, scanning her up and down.

“Ah yes. Part of his team, I guess?” He told her, nodding toward Armitage.

 

She didn’t reply but moved closer to the Lamborghini, looking in awe. “Is that a Centenario?”

“Hmm mmm. “ Nearly purred Kylo.  ”Fully customized. Carbon and Red. V 12 engine, 7 gears… and roaring like a lion ready to pounce.”

 

Rey made an appreciative noise getting really close to a moaning sound before circling the car.

“So much power under your hands and feet. It must be exciting.”

 

Armitage noticed the way she licked her lips in slow motion, his fingers flexing a little.

 

“Well, Ya. That’s a sports car. Can we go check in the hotel now?” he cut, clearly frustrated by the turn of the events.

 

Kylo completely ignored him before joining the mini. “Oh really,Hux. Adding white stripes to give a Dodge Viper vibe to that crappy car is ridiculous.”

“I bought it like that, thank you very much!” cut Armitage, with venom in his voice.

 

“And to think you managed to go faster than my amazing car with that thing. Care to share how you did it?” says Ren, his arms folded.

 

“Huh… no…” answered Armitage, a hint of embarrassment showing on his face.

 

“Oh come on, that can’t be a secret!” Cut Ren, exasperated.

 

“I did it.” said an offended voice from the side of the Lamborghini.

 

Ren turned his head and removed his glasses, looking slightly in disbelief. “You did it.”

 

“Ya. I did it.” She confirmed, pride in her eyes.

 

Armitage stood rooted to the spot. This cannot be happening. 

 

There he was, stood only a step away from where he emptied his stomach contents, was Kylo Ren, practically giving Rey the “Where have you been in my life you sexy minx” eyes. Rey was in activewear- which to a man is basically a feast for the eyeballs. She was wearing a tight fitting purple lace tank top which showed off her shapely arms and physique, and she paired it with a pair of bum sculpting black leggings and black Toms. She was absolutely smoking. Armitage loved it whenever she wore leggings- she did have a fabulous arse. It took so much out of him not to smack her backside most days when she’s dressed so tantalisingly. He now realised in horror that Kylo fucking Ren has definitely also noticed- he was wearing black jeans, and Armitage can still notice the tell-tale sign of a very VERY impressive bulge in his crotch. 

  
As both men looked on like the idiots that they were clearly both at that current time, Rey sultered over to the back of his mini, and he had to hold back the groan at the back of his throat as she bent over to further emphasise what a fabulous arse she had. She hulled both his and her bag out, and managed to slam the trunk shut with both hands full. Spinning on her heels, she lifted a brow up at the pair of stunned males. 

  
“Mr Ren, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting that gorgeous beast of yours slink around like a retired piece.” She sauntered past Armitage and cocked her head at him. “Ready to go boss man?” And strutted over to the hotel lobby with both their belongings. 

 

Kylo’s eyes focused on her perfectly toned arse and let out an appreciative hum.

 

“This team building thing might not be as useless, after all. “ he said before putting his glasses back on and going back to his car to retrieve his week-end bag.

 

_ Oh he will not take advantage of Rey! I won’t allow it! She is mine! _ exploded Armitage in his head.

 

The characteristic cackle made by Honesty in the back of his mind made him groan.  Throwing his hands up, he proceeded to follow Rey, catching up with her after a bit.

 

“Who else is supposed to join us? Mr Snoke never got to tell me the specifics after the…” And he suddenly made a bitter face “whole autocorrect ordeal.”

 

“ Oh he added up a few people. I think Mr Mitaka will be there as he is Mr Ren’s assistant.” She said, shrugging her shoulders.

 

“Ah. Right. Mitaka.”

 

_ Not a threat for Rey as he was probably gay, _ thought Armitage as he tried not to give a side look toward Rey’s lower back.

 

_ Oh, those leggings… _ he mused, his pants tightening again.

 

His watering mouth and overall physical reaction to the beauty next to him prevented him from feeling the threat before it was fully on him.

Kylo Ren, the whole  6' 2½ of him, disguised as an Armani wonder and wearing Ray Ban better than any advertisement model ever did strutted toward them and joined them. In a swift move, he snagged Armitage’s bag from Rey’s hand and threw it unceremoniously at his owner.

 

“Forgive him, he has no manners.” He said in a silky tone as he focused his eyes over Rey’s lips.

 

Armitage caught the bag square in the chest, his blow dryer catching him in the sternum.

_ OW!  _ He thought, his eyes watering, but being determined to hide his discomfort.

 

With that, Kylo took Rey’s bag while flashing her one of his irresistible half smiles. “Allow me.” He added, his tone lowering even more.

 

Rolling her eyes, Rey snatched Armitage’s bag from his grasp. “He’s my boss, and he had just been stuck in hospital for a HAND injury. I’m still trying to make him not overwork his hand, hence no carrying heavy things on my watch.” She didn’t however move to grab her own. “But if you are offering to carry my bag for me, I’m not about to pass up on Mr Ren of all people being my bellboy.” She gave Kylo a wink before proceeding to the free check-in desk. 

 

The blonde girl behind the desk smiled brightly at them all. “Hello and welcome to Cedar Manor Hotel, may I get your name please?” 

 

“I’m checking in for my boss Mr Armitage Hux first please. Do you have a top floor room which is not east facing as previously requested?”

 

Armitage’s brows went up.  _ She remembered!! He absolutely hated the sun shining straight into his room in the morning, and he disliked chancing the prospects of someone stomping about above him.  _ He had mentioned it previously to Rey when she was looking into holiday bookings for him, but he didn’t realise she would remember it this time as it had completely gone out of his head on this occasion.  _ Maybe I have a chance with her? She really does seem to care about me.  _ His hopeful heart shuddered wishfully. 

 

“Oh yes Miss, I also took the liberty on ensuring that all the bath products you specified are included in the room. Would you like the room adjoining Mr Hux’s?” 

 

She gave Armitage a side glance then pondered… with his recovering condition and his mind most of the time not being where it should be, it was probably the safest option.  

  
She opened her mouth to reply but before  she could form any word, a loud familiar voice cut her. “I’ll have it!” Said Gwendoline Phasma as she came closer, her tote bag carelessly thrown over her shoulders.

  
Armitage turned right in time to catch a whiff of her floral perfume, the silk of her white lace blouse slightly brushing against his shoulder. She lifted her sunglasses and left them on the top of her head, smiling at the desk lady.

  
AH! Rey will be damned if she lets that boss molester near Armitage! Narrowing her eyes she patted her hand over the counter and looked at the desk lady straight in the eyes. “I will take that room.  I am Mr Hux’s personal assistant and he may need me at all times.”

  
“Oh he can’t need you more than he needs me sweetheart.” breathed Phasma as she gave and appreciative look toward Armitage.

 

The blonde desk girl turned toward Hux who suddenly became the center of attention in a way he didn’t truly need. His eyes caught a glimpse of Kylo Ren’s smirk… something was up. In his mind, a huge sign flashed in red:  Warning, nuclear sarcasm loading.

  
“So, how about I take this room, so that the ladies stop with their cat fight over your … gorgeous body?” with that, Kylo slightly snorted and removed his glasses, before folding them.   
  


“What the flying fuck?! I don’t want to have adjoining rooms with you! No. Can I please” Armitage spat out in disgust, when a rumbling voice cut through the haze. 

 

“I think that would be excellent Miss. Please place Mr Ren on the room adjoining Mr Hux.” Snoke stepped towards Armitage, looking at him from the corner of his eyes. Remembering just how intimidating as fuck Snoke was, Armitage gulped audibly but stayed silent. He looked over at Ren to find, to his disgust, the wide grin that is now plastered on his face.  _ The bastard, Snoke’s golden child. Why can I not just catch a break…  _

 

Stifling a laugh, the blonde typed away furiously on her screen. She grabbed the room keys respectively and handed it to Armitage and Kylo. “You’re rooms are at the top floor, take the lift to the 3rd floor and take a right, it will be at the very end of the hallway.”

 

Armitage turned and reached for his bag from Rey. “I’ll take it up to my room Rey, you’ve done enough for me today. Come by my room later before we head off to the meet up point.” 

 

Clearly unhappy with the change in events, Rey was about to retort when Snoke interjected. “He’s a man with a recent hand injury, not a cripple for God’s sake. If you can’t carry your own dignity Hux, you should at the very least not need some  _ girl  _ to carry your bag for you.” 

 

“Excuse you, there is no need to be so rude to your employee. What’s the point of this weekend if you can’t even talk to them without being such a royal asshole.” Snapped Rey. She grabbed the key that the receptionist had held out for her, and she stalked towards the direction of the lift. 

 

“How dare you speak to me in such a manner  _ girl _ ” Snoke exclaimed. Rey stopped in her tracks, and without turning bit out, “Bite me.” And continued stomping off to the lifts. 

***

Unbelievable!

 

Armitage opened his mouth then shut it, his hand slapping over his face while he shook his head.

 

Here he was, trapped in a changing room in the hotel’s spa, wearing the only swim trunk he had found at home also known as the flowery mess aunt Dolores gave him for Christmas 3 years ago.

 

He had never worn the colorful horror for obvious reasons. The hibiscus patterns combined to fluorescent colors could probably cause blindness for those staring at it too much. Plus, he hated going to the beach to try and get a suntan that would anyway turn into a second degree burn over his pale complexion.

 

UNBELIEVABLE! He was stuck against the door, trying to listen what was going on in the others changing rooms. He knew Ren, Snoke and Mitaka were there and they were supposed to meet in the large Jacuzzi at 9:00 sharp… that is to say in 3 bloody minutes!

 

Ok… there was no easy way to do it. He could wrap his towel around his waist, walk there casually and get into the water really fast! Surely, no one would pay much attention to the hibiscus flowers hugging his arse and manhood once he would be sitting, right?

 

With all the confidence he could gather, Armitage tied the towel around his waist and got out, his head raised high. He was clearly having an out of body experience as he crossed the man’s space to go to the shared spa area. He could do this! He could manage to flick this little detail where it belonged! In a corner!

 

A creepy voice echoed behind him and forced him to stop.

 

“Hux!” barked Snoke ad he caught up with him. “What is that stupid way of handling yourself? Take off that towel and throw it over your shoulder like a man!”

 

_ F.U.C.K. _ thought Armitage as he turned to look at his boss. F.U.C.K. was soon followed by an equally loud  _ Oh my fucking gods _ in his head as he took in the sight presented by his boss in front of him.

 

Skin wrinkled all over and partly sagging in areas that should not be allowed, Snoke was unbelievably enough wearing something even more unflattering than Aunt Dolores’ joke of a gift! It wasn’t even a swim trunk. It looked like one of those old fashioned and high waisted kangaroo underpants, in a kind of sick green color with burgundy uneven dots.

 

_ What… the fuck _ screamed Hux’ mind as it was now on overdrive.  _ How can someone look so horrid and rotten… _

 

“Are you zoning out again? Get a grip Hux! I don’t know what’s your problem but we are going to solve it, one way or another!” he pointed a bony finger at his employee before walking past him and heading to the shared space.

 

Hux was barely recovering from the visual shock when Ren came in view.

 

That FUCKING Armani model was wearing some elegant black trunks hugging him everywhere and displaying for all to see the evidences of his masculinity. Was a bulge this size even legal?  As if that wasn’t enough, the whole of that arrogant surgeon was toned to near perfection and he had to have a tattoo, didn’t he? A Fucking tribal around his left biceps!

 

As  Ren came closer, he lifted an eyebrow and told Armitage “What are you staring at? I don’t  swing that way, so forget it.” He walked past Armitage and followed Snoke, his black towel neglectfully tossed over his right shoulder.

 

Something snapped in Armitage’s head. He followed the two males, removing the towel from around his waist, the blinding hibiscus in full view.                                                                                

 

Walking on the poolside, Armitage couldn’t help but stop. He had a rather odd sense of deja vu- that he had seen this in a dream before… Oh of course he had. That stupid cruise! He had completely forgotten to tell Rey to cancel his reservation that was set for next month! Grr, he really didn’t need to se see Snoke by poolside of all places… Fucking team bonding. Even if it was basically an entirely company paid for spa trip, Armi could have done without the extra layer of drama that came as a full package. 

 

Before his head took a turn for the worst, he heard a rather welcoming voice call out “Armi!!” He looked up to see Rey walking over with two glasses in her hand in what he would describe as the most gorgeous outfit he’s ever seen her in- or the lack of for the matter. Rey was dressed in a white two piece bikini, her top a plunging halter top with criss cross straps underneath it. Her beautiful body was on full display: beautiful toned legs going for miles, small and tight breasts with the perfect amount of cleavage, and he can just bet by how a few of the nearby men all turned around simultaneously when she past them by that her perfect backside must be in full view as well.  _ Yep, that’s MY girl right there, oh she’s just purrrfect…  _ Armitage thought as he mentally picked his own jaw back up from the floor. Rey shot him a wide grin as she handed him his glass. “I thought a gin and tonic would help ease the anxiety… It’s just a single I promise!” She winked as she showed him hers. “I’ve got one to keep you company! Now just make sure you stick to 2 alcoholic drinks during the day and space it out with water…” Pausing her train of thought, Rey waved her hand in front of Armi’s face. “Helloooo? Earth back to Armitage Hux please?” She snapped her fingers in front of his face to re-emphasise her statement, and Armitage finally managed to swing his gaze up from her cleavage. “Thank you Rey, did you get me... “ “It’s Hendrick’s gin with Fever-Tree tonic water, plus cucumbers obviously.” She grinned as she shot him the OK sign. “I’ve got you boss man, don’t you worry your pretty little head with preferences. Oh, by the way, I’ve booked you a facial and hot stone massage later on at 3pm, they mentioned something about couple’s treatment… I think everyone else’s already signed up for their slots so you may just get away with taking the whole room to yourself!” 

 

“Hux!” snarled Snoke as the old man moved closer. “Drinking already? Well, we might have to address this issue as well! Ah! Here is perhaps the solution! Over here, Mrs Phasma!” called the old man, while waving a flabby arm.

 

Armitage reluctantly detached his eyes from the beauty in front of him to look properly horrified at the prospect of Gwendoline Phasma seeing him in some bright colored ridiculously decorated swim trunks.

 

The giant beauty came closer, walking with a feline grace, obviously feeling no shame as she proudly displayed her rainbow metallic one piece swimsuit. It was tight. Insanely tight. Tight to the point her cleavage was almost trying to escape from it. So tight, that her slim waist looked even slimmer.

 

“Why hello Armi…”She says, clicking her tongue in an appreciative way.

 

Terror inducing a wave of cold sweat behind his neck, Armitage took a big sip of his drink before nodding, his nose in his glass.

 

Rey gave him a comforting look then glared at the adult molester. Frankly, she was decided not to let anyone create more problems for her boss! Armitage was misunderstood and she hated it! She failed to notice Kylo Ren’s eyes moving up and down over her slim body until he finally spotted the one he was waiting for.

 

“Ah! Mitaka! Took you long enough!” he barked, making the young man jump in fear.

 

Armitage turned his head in time to spot the young man, a wave of sympathy overwhelmed him as he took into the slim figure of that pale boy, wearing trunks perhaps too large for him and decorated with pink flamingos.

 

“Why the fuck are you wearing flamingos?” snorted Kylo “Are you making a contest of the cheesiest swimming trunk with Hux?”

 

Mitaka furiously blushed as his eyes landed over the hibiscus covering Armitage’s arse.

 

_ Is he checking on my bottom? _ Wondered Armitage, his eyes slightly widening.

 

_ Oh! Will they stop eye-molesting my boss?  _ Thought Rey as she glared at Mitaka, lowering a 

hand over Armitage’s butt to cover it? She reached over to block his view, but managed to actual grab a handful of Mr Bossman’s arse. 

 

A few things happened simultaneously. 

 

Armitage’s eyes widened at the touch.

 

Kylo’s eyes narrowed at the touch.

 

Phasma’s lips pursed at the touch.

 

Mitaka’s jaw dropped at the touch.

 

Snoke for once noticed nothing.

 

_ Oh shit. I just jizzed in my pants.  _ Armitage groaned. Rey’s fingers rubbing over his overly sensitive butt was clearly too much for him, and he felt the zing at the bottom of his spine before his traitorous balls spasmed and sent a wave crashing out of his penis. This kinda have happened when Rey had brushed pass him in the past, but he had managed to cover his tracks. 

 

Time seemed to stop as Armitage froze in the spot, as the wetness dripping down his legs betray what had happened. Suddenly, something snapped and Armitage sprinted back towards the direction of the changing room. 

 

“Armi!!!” Rey yelled but was held back by a rather large hand on her arm. She turned around to find Kylo Ren staring down at her, his face an impassive mask. “Let him go.” He said in a deep rumbling voice. “You can’t go marching into the men’s changing room.” He raised an eyebrow, daring her to contradict him. Red faced, Rey was ready to bite his head off, but then the rare calmness that Kylo exuded in that moment made her hold her tongue. 

 

She stole a look in the direction of Snoke, who had planted his bottom in the hot tub, bubbles helpfully concealing the rest of his flab. The man was clearly in his own zone as he had a wet towel thrown over his face, his arms leaning out over the edge of the pool. 

 

“Armi’s so wound up at the moment… Last time this happened his mother- bless her soul- passed away. That had a reason. This? I’m not entirely sure what is going on.” Rey sighed as she eyed the direction Armitage had ran towards. Mentally exhausted from Armi’s spastic mind fucks, Rey threw her gin and tonic back. Handing the empty glass to one of the pasing spa attendants, she walked off in the direction of the pool. Mitaka called as she made it to the edge of the pool. “Rey! We’re supposed to be team-building at the jacuzzi…” Rey shoved her middle finger up without turning around. “Count me out. I’m going in for a proper swim.:” And with that, she made a perfect dive into the cool blue water. 

 

***   
Oh this oversensitivity about Rey needed to be managed! 

  
Armitage was in a toilet stall, trying to clean himself up with some paper. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. How could he just jizz in his pants like that, in front of his boss, his arch nemesis, their respective help, and his first crush?

  
It’s not that it was embarrassing!  No! Really… 

  
Bah, no, there was no way he could fool himself like that. Yes, it was embarrassing. And majorly, at that! He had just unloaded a week worth of built up frustration and lust over his beautiful secretary and if he was lucky, she didn’t get what happened. But knowing his luck? She was already preparing a motivational speech about the virtue of being a minuteman!

  
ARG!!! Doomed! He was doomed! And did it have to0 be so sticky? Damn it!

  
A knock at the door startled Armitage.

  
“Mr Hux?”

  
Mitaka hesitant voice barely made it through the wooden barrier made by the door.   
“Um… yeah?” why is someone knocking at his stall door anyway? Dear god!

  
“Do you need help?”

  
Sure thing, flamingo guy. Come in and wipe my skin clean while I can die from embarrassment!   
“I’ll be out in a moment! Thank you.” Mumbles Armitage as he throws some of the paper.

  
“Ok... Mr Snoke is currently in the Jacuzzi. Your secretary left for the pool and Mr Ren and Mrs Phasma are waiting for your return.”

  
Armitage unlocked the door and slowly got out, looking at Mitaka, the young man madly blushing.

  
“Are you alright?” asked Armitage before he could stop himself.   
  


“Alright? Who ME?!” Mitaka stammered as he regarded a now relatively composed Armitage Hux. 

 

“Yes you. Who else, the wall?!” Armi sighed out loud, as he walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He grabbed a hand towel afterwards and busied himself drying off his hands, missing the nervous gulp Mitaka proceeded to do before visually taking a huge breathe in and out. 

 

Tossing the used hand towel, Armitage swung around to regard the smaller man. He was red as a beetroot, hands trembling, gasping and panting in relatively short breaths. The man clearly looked to be on the verge of losing his shit. 

 

“Mitaka. Seriously boy, why are you letting your boss harass you to this level of anxiety?” Armitage said, standing back to regard the extremely nervous man in front of him. 

 

“My boss? Oh, Mr Ren? He’s scary as fuck, but I mean, he is fair I guess… He tends to be ok most of the time… but he hates my fashion sense, and i always end up with an earful from him…” Mitaka mumbled, wringing his hands together. 

 

“Ok. If Ren isn’t your current problem, why am I stood in a changing room giving you a counselling session?” Armitage groaned, his patience wearing extremely thin. 

 

Mitaka blinked up at him, seemingly at a complete lose for word. As the silence between the two men stretched out painfully, Armitage opened his mouth to say something… and found himself yanked down towards the other man, lips sealed over his own. Armitage’s eyes flew wide open- shock and disbelief washing over him like a wave of ice water. He felt Mitaka nip his bottom lip, and he yelped from the unexpected pain. Making good use of his momentary lapse of guard,  Mitaka thrusted his tongue in, practically spearing his way into Armitage’s mouth. Gagging from the intrusion, Armitage jerked himself back and shoved Mitaka away from him. 

 

“WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WAS THAT?!” Armitage screamed as he furiously wiped at his now very swollen and bleeding lips. Mitaka, now lying on the floor, stared at him with a mixture of pure lust and frustration, before realisation finally settled on his features. Smacking his hand over his mouth, Mitaka scrambled up and made a beeline out of the changing room, leaving a very angry and extremely violated Armitage Hux to contemplate the implications of yet another curve ball. 

 

As the trainwreck known as his reality hit him in full force, the overhead speakers blarred in mockery of his other outstanding issue: 

 

_ You say you love me, I say you crazy, we’re nothing more than friends  _

_ You’re not my lover, more like a brother, I know you since we were like ten, yeah.  _

 

_ Don’t mess it up, talking that shit.  _

_ Only gonna push me away, that’s it.  _

_ When you say you love me, that makes me crazy/  _ _  
_ _ Here we go again.  _

_  
_ _ Don’t go look at me with that look in your eye.  _

_ You really ain’t going away without a fight.  _

_ You can’t be reasoned with, I’m done being polite.  _

_ I’ve told you one, two, three, four, five, six thousand times.  _

 

_ Haven’t I made it obvious?  _ __  
_ Haven’t I made it clear? _ _  
_ __ Want me to spell it out for you? 

_ F-R-I-E-N-D-S _

_ Haven’t I made it obvious?  _ __  
_ Haven’t I made it clear? _ _  
_ __ Want me to spell it out for you? 

_ F-R-I-E-N-D-S _

**_F-R-I-E-N-D-S_ **

 

“FUCK YOU!!!!” Armitage screeched at the speaker. “Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone you piece of junk!” 

 

And obviously since the universe hated him, Armani Ren strutted into at that precise moment. “Excuse you, I was sent on behalf of Snoke to see what the fuck you are up to. What a joke you are.” 

 

Armitage froze then turned on his heels to observe this harassing living piece of commercial.

 

“Are you fucking bleeding from your mouth?” asked Kylo, his perfect eyebrow slightly arched.

 

Armitage slightly smirked, his eyes definitely gone mad. “Yeah. You want to gossip about that? Are you that lacking in term of conversation that you only resort to bullying people around you in order to exist?”

 

Kylo Ren blinked then suddenly smirked. “Damn, Hux, cuming in your pants truly does it for you in terms of confidence. Maybe that secretary of yours should touch your arse more often.”

 

“That’s more than you’ll ever have from her.” Armitage’s eyes, for once, turned vicious. “You are a dick, Ren, and Rey doesn’t stand for this kind of behavior.”

 

“Oh because you believe you have a chance with someone like her?” Replied Kylo, getting in his face.

 

“I’m not that foolish.” Replied Armitage, his eyebrow lifting. “But I know that neither do you. She would go after Mitaka before even considering setting her eyes on you.”

 

“We shall see.” Growls Ren as he moves his face closer, both men’s noses touching.

 

“Oh yeah.” Whispered Armitage, greed in his eyes.

 

“REN! HUX! What the fuck is going on here?” The shrieking voice of Snoke resonated within the walls of the men only’s area. “Are you going down on each other?” He spat, looking disgusted.

 

Armitage spun around to see his boss, water dripping off his flab of a body, and his trunks practically plastered to his groin.  _ MY EYEBALLS!! Why the hell does my eyes have to see this both in my nightmare and reality?!  _

 

Ren snorted as he spoke over Armitage’s monolog. “Boss, as if Hux could afford to go down on me. And definitely not when he is wearing…  _ that _ .” He sneered, punctuating his point with his finger. 

 

“I don’t give a shit as to what the reasons are. I WANT THIS TEAM BONDING THING TO GET GOING NOW! For Pete’s sake it’s just a soak in the jacuzzi, you’d think I had ordered a fight to the death between you lot. HUX! Go get a bottle of  Moët, and make sure they keep them coming. I need a fucking drink to keep myself sane with you idiots.” 

 

Snoke took a step away, then paused and glared at Armitage. “And clean up your sorry excuse of an existence. It’s not even noon you have a bruised and bleeding lip. If I didn’t know better, I would have suspected a rather inappropriate behaviour linked to that.” 

 

_ Oh you think, you old wrinkled sack of rotten nuts?!? _ Screamed Armitage in his mind. His eyes narrowed, he stiffly nodded and joined a sink to clean up the mess Mitaka had rudely left over his mouth.

 

How could his life be that big of a stupid joke? Harassed by an Armani model sucking up to their boss, interested in a girl not seeing him, mind raped by another gigantic extravert female clad into some silver wrapping, and let’s not forget the closeted gay guy trying to come down on him without actually asking if he is interested?

 

Wiping his mouth, he didn’t think of biting Ren’s head for his rude comment about his hibiscus  swim pants! Fuck him and his perfection.

 

“As for you, Ren, I expect you control this boy of yours. He went straight to the pool, dived and is now staying at the bottom of the water. What is that nonsense?”

 

Kylo’s eyebrow lifted before the whole 6 feet  3 of his massive body headed back in a fast motion toward the shared space.

 

From a distance, Armitage could hear a thunderous “MITAKA!” right before a loud splashing noise, followed by indignant screams of innocent bystanders.  

 

Armitage then walked past Snoke to get his fucking Moët!

***


	10. Blame it on the Alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This team bonding at the poolside really takes on another level of ridiculousness when you start piling on the alcohol... Now now Huxey, didn't you not listen to your loooovely assistant Rey's advice in the first place eh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little itsy bitsy update for the crack in Huxey's life... oh the good shit's coming peeps ;)   
> [KylandaDragan](https://kylandadragan.tumblr.com/) and [I](https://thevwchu.tumblr.com/) would love to hear from you all-comments and kuddos always appreciated xxx

When Armitage stepped back into the poolside, he noticed the commotion near the edge of the pool. Curiosity getting the best of him, and he wandered over to peeked over the many shoulders currently obscuring whatever was happening beyond. “I’ve got it!” Came a familiar voice, and Armitage found himself staring straight at a grinning Rey, who was triumphantly waving a slipper in her hand. Armitage frowned,  _ this much commotion over Rey picking up a lost flip flop?!  _

 

He was about to wander off back to the jacuzzi when he noticed Mitaka, looking rather pale, laying in the middle of the entire scene.  _ He didn’t look very good…  _ Armi thought, feeling slightly less annoyed with the other man. He walked over to the lounge chairs where Ren and Phasma were sat lounging, and he quirked an eyebrow. “Neither of you seem too bothered that one of your employees’ potentially dead by the poolside?” Ren lowered his shades momentarily-  _ why the fuck is he wearing sunglasses indoors?! _ \- and pushed them back up. “His airway is patent, he’s fine.”  

 

Phasma on the other hand turned her full attention to Armitage. “Armi, so good of you to join us. What’s that you have in your hand?” She reached out and took the bottle, her fingers lingering on his skin a bit too long for Armitage’s liking. “Oh don’t we all just loooove a bit of tingling first thing in the morning?”  

 

Armitage grunted in response, then sauntered over to a spare chair on the opposite side of the pool. He really wasn’t in the mood to deal with those two- Snoke can come drag him back if he really wants him around. He was just getting comfortable in his setup when he overheard someone say, “Hey,  I ran into Kylo Ren in the bathroom- and he has an Armani dick!”  

 

Armitage turned around to find two of his employees gossiping not too far from his reach.  He sneered and yelled, “Will you two do something useful and go get me a drink rather than cackle like hyenas in a corner?!”  

 

Happy to see that his outburst had the desired effect, aka making the two employees scatter with terrified and ashamed looks, Armitage allowed himself to relax into his chair.   

 

His eyes drifted toward Rey who was now helping Mitaka sit up. He could only imagine the kind of soothing words she was currently telling him. Rey was like that… always picking up the stray cats to nurse them back to health. Wasn’t he the best example of them all? 

 

Another man was watching Rey. A man? More like a fucking predator. Armani Ren’s intense eyes were literally burning a hole into the back of that gorgeous woman’s head. His hands were slightly gripping the arms of his chair, muscles bulging in the process.

 

Armitage  narrowed his eyes slightly. That one was probably trying to add another trophy to his ridiculous collection of women. How disgusting to see Rey considered as Ren's potential meat on legs...

 

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, HUX!”

 

Snoke, more specifically his high waisted kangaroo swimsuit, entered Armitage’s vision, which took the red head's entire willpower not to barf at the grotesque  sight.

 

“UP! JACUZZI! NOW!” sneered Snoke, who proceeded to strut towards the Jacuzzi's direction, bellowing for the rest of the team to join in immediately.  _Or else._

 

Swallowing the vomit that had heaved up his throat, Armitage followed him pathetically, his eyes fixed on the peeling scales covering Snoke’s thighs. 

 

*** 

 

Armitage stared down as his rather pruney fingers. He’s lost count of how many hours of soaking in this jacuzzi, and no one seemed to be showing any signs of moving. Gosh, he’s been holding back on the bubblies since he’s had literally nothing to eat this since 6am, but he can clearly feel the haze slowly covering over his brain. 

 

_ Need. To. Stay. FOCUSED! _

 

Armitage stretched his eyes and tried to focus. Picking a point and pulling his full attention, he found himself look straight at Phasma’s voluptuous bosom. 

 

_ Oh I’ve never seen her tits like this before! Aren’t they nice…. Like perky peaches, yum!  _

 

Suddenly catching his train of thought, Armi shook his head in horror and swung his head to his left.

 

  
That unfortunately wasn’t a good idea either. 

 

Somehow Mitaka was sat in the jacuzzi with everyone else, still pale but less dead looking. How the boy was alive at this point and functional was beyond Armitage, but then he’s not about to try and overthink. Shifting, he realised that Mitaka had his eyes downcast, staring rather intently…. At Armi’s crotch area. Having had 5 minutes to fully registre the meaning behind that (the alcohol seriously isn’t helping), Armitage held back his gag reflex as he looked to his right instead. 

 

But the Gods are cruel. Armitage found his eyes glued to the least welcoming sight he could possibly ask for- Armani Ren with his right arm slung over  **HIS** Rey. Oh how DARE he… 

 

Armi fumed as he watched Ren lean into Rey, whispering something into her ear. Rey giggle at whatever he said and scrunched up her delicate nose, bringing her left hand up to cover her mouth. To his horror, Armi noticed Ren’s stray hand brushing Rey’s thigh under the water, and the girl isn’t even trying to push him away! If anything, she most definitely shifted into his embrace, her hands hidden underneath the water… 

 

“… and this is why I expect all of you to make an effort. Communication is everything nowadays and if our hospital gains a bad reputation due to tensions among the staff, we are all going to lose something. We must, at all times remain respectable and memorize the fact that we are the front face of this organization.” Ranted Snoke, a glass of champagne in his hand and his other hand constantly rearranging his private jewels inside of the horrible swimpants.   

 

Armitage instantly regretted not tuning out this morality talk. Well, that was until all his hair decided to stand. In less than 3 seconds, Snoke was up in the Jacuzzi, his kangaroo swimsuit sagging as much as his stomach, arms and leg skin. Waving at a heavily gifted female from the staff, he mumbled for no one in particular.

 

“What a delicious pair of watermelons. I am going to shake my face between them before the end of the day.”

 

The two employees reacted first by exchanging embarrassed looks. Mitaka, who was still trying to properly function turned red coughed for a bit. Phasma slapped him between the shoulderblades before arrogantly bellowing: “Oh please, Dopheld, get a grip! We are adults working in the medical field! No need to fidget like a schoolgirl!”

 

With that, she turned her predatory eyes toward Armitage and gave him a wide toothy smile.

 

“And since we are indeed adults, fancy sitting next to me for lunch?”

 

He was drunk. So drunk… and when he was drunk, his body parts had minds on their own. Like his eyes, which zeroed over her impressive breasts. His mouth momentarily watered as he anticipated the feelings those two would give against his face. Almost at the same time, he imagined himself biting into a juicy slice of watermelon, bringing more confusion into his mind.

 

This is what probably prevented him from losing his sanity, because next thing he knew, Armani Ren’s lips were slowly travelling from Rey’s shoulder to her neck, leaving the poor girl in a flushed mess, heavily breathing and slightly shaking.

 

***

Lunch happened in a kind of haze, where Armitage was at the same time busy dodging Phasma’s travelling hands under the table, deflecting Snoke’s nasty remarks and trying to tune out the heavy looks Armani Ren and Rey were exchanging across the table.

 

That blasted surgeon was on his way to winning his secretary’s favors, and that infuriated Armitage to no end. Not that he imagined having a chance with her in the first place. Armani Fucking Ren was obviously more Rey’s type than he was. No, what was bothering him was to imagine that poor girl being thrown on the side of the road the next time another pretty face with a bigger set of breasts shows up at the hospital.

 

Armani Ren had quite the womanizing reputation and… and… and he wouldn’t tolerate it! No, if that one wanted his Rey, then he would have to deserve her! Armitage would make sure of that!

 

In a swift motion, he grabbed his wine and downed it in a single gulp before slamming the glass back on the table, startling everyone. Raising his eyes over Ren, some of his red hair falling in front of his eyes, he smirked.

 

“Bathroom, now.” He commanded, everyone suddenly turning to check what was wrong with him.

 

Kylo Ren immediately recognized the challenge and smirked in return, his eyebrow lifting. “Are you afraid of going there alone? Or, perhaps, you need to see how a real man is built …” he nearly purred mercilessly.

 

That was without counting on Rey’s reaction… the delicious foot that had been previously travelling up his leg and over his thigh suddenly delivered a nasty kick to his shin.

 

Darting his eyes fast over the young woman, Ren had the decency to avoid screaming, even if the assault was sure to cause a bruise over his muscular leg.

 

“Right.” he added, clearing his throat and standing, motioning Armitage to lead the way.

 

Kicking his offending chair out of the way, Armitage sulked in the direction to the toilet. He missed the rather appreciative look both Phasma and Mitaka shot him on his way over, but it may be for the best in his current state of mind.

 

Ren moved to follow, but was stopped by a small but firm grip on his wrist. He looked down and met a pair of glittering hazel eyes. 

 

“Huxey better be in one piece when he’s back.” Rey bit out, her lips in a firm line. Ren raised his eyebrows, gently lifted her hand to his lips and brushed his lips across the back. “Anything for my lady.” He winked at her before relinquishing her hand and strutted off after an extremely drunk Armitrage Hux. 

 

_ As long as he’s in one piece… Oh the options are vast.  _

 

Ren sniggered quietly to himself as the door slammed behind him. 

 

Armitage is about to find out what happens when he crosses Kylo Ren. And he is not going to like it. Not one bit. 

 

*** 


	11. Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Huxey is about to drill some sense into Ren... Or is he...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To our amazing readers- so sorry about the delay. Life has been a bit hectic and updates were a bit slowed down due to that. 
> 
> So to compensate... here's a little bit of spiciness for you all ;)

Armitage s tood in front of the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot, and his complexion a few shades paler than before. 

 

_ I’m going to do this!  _ He thought to himself.  _ For Rey, I’m going to tell Ren to fuck off.  _

 

Armitage was too busy with his internal monolog to realise that Ren had already arrived, with the hint of a smirk tugging at his lips. Before his brain could process it, a large hand had slid around his groin and grabbed a hold of his dick. 

 

“Well well, Armitage, now that we are alone, what is it that you want to say… or do?” Ren purred, his hand firmly stroking Armi’s entire length. 

 

Completely thrown off course, Armitage squeaked when Ren tightened his grip on his sensitive length. “Ren! What are you doing….. Oh my GOD!” Exclaimed Armitage as Ren pumped his hand to the perfect pace and pressure. His tratourious member leapt in response, pulsing from the sudden rush of blood flow. 

 

“Don’t worry  _ Huxey, _ I know you’ve been checking me out since the day we started working together. You can pretend all you want, but you know you want me.” Ren purred, caging Armitage in with his towering torso. Armitage tried to think of an argument, but damn Ren and his Armani hand- the man clearly knew what he was doing, and he felt the familiar tightening of his balls as Ren continued to stroke his length. Pushing his Armani dick onto Armitage, Ren began to hump Armitage to the same rhythm of his hand. 

 

“Have you been imaging Rey? Her hands on your dick, her lips on your neck.” Armitage shivered as Ren nipped his earlobe. “But never have you realised what you were really missing… until now.” Distracted by the fire in his loins, Armitage vaguely felt Ren’s other hand tugging on his swimming trunks before he felt something prodding his backside.  _ SHIT.  _

 

“...Ren, what are you doing?!” Armitage squealed, and then bite out a curse when Ren slipped a long digit into his ass. 

 

“What am I doing? I’m about to give you the best orgasam you’ve ever had.” He smirked, as he located Armi’s prostate and started rubbing it, hard. 

 

Armitage’s eyes opened in shock as the duel sensations assaulted his being. This was wrong. He doesn’t like men. Or… does he? The myriad of senses crashed over him, overriding his inhibition and sanity. Precum dribbled out of his tip, and he shivered as Ren swearled his thumb over his tip before resuming his grip on his shaft. 

 

“You like it don’t you? When you relinquish control and have your dick and asshole stroked like this. I bet you’d love the feeling of my dick ripping you apart.” Ren purred, rotating his hand and circling Armi’s prostate. 

 

“Ren you fucking arse!” Armitage screamed, trying to deny what his body was clearly saying. He felt the tingling at the base of his spine, the squeezing of his prized jewels as pleasure continued to rip through his system. Pain bordered his pleasure, and Armitage was left panting over the blazing fire igniting his dick and ass. The walls in his rectum clamped down on Ren’s finger, and he moaned as Ren slipped a second digit in. The wonderful friction sent spasm after spasm into Armi, the pleasure building in creshando to Ren’s hands. Before his mind could process anything else, his orgasm crashed over him, and Armitage screamed in ecstasy as ropes of cum shot out of his dick. Ren continued to prolong his ride, milking his member with his hand as he pressed hard onto his prostate. Overwhelmed by the most intense orgasm of his life, Armitage spasmed as he emptied the last of his cum onto the floor. Finally withdrawing his hands, Ren smiled in glee as Armitage collapsed to the floor, utterly spent from the experience. 

 

“Now that you’ve had a taste on my… skills, I’m sure you will be more than satisfied with my abilities to… satisfy a certain secretary of yours.” Ren stated, as he palmed himself through his swimsuit. “And I know I will enjoy it… immensely.”  

 

Sticking his hands under the sink and washing away any evidence from them, Ren sent an evil grin to Armitage’s heaving form before strutting out the door. Now that his erection is in full show, it’s time to get the showdown… with Rey. 

 

***

“Are you sure you’re feeling good?” Rey inquired after lunch, worried by the fact that since his return from the bathroom, Armitage had been dead silent.

 

Gently putting her hand over his arm as they were both standing in front of the outside pool belonging to the facility, she tilted her head, trying to read her boss’ face, the ginger haired man not meeting her eyes.

 

“Yes, yes.” He said, his voice a bit too high pitched as he forced himself to meet her caring brown orbs. And the truth was that, he was indeed feeling good. For a very wrong reason, because lusting after Armani Ren was out of question!

 

“Did something happen in the bathroom? You have been awfully silent since you returned from there.”

 

Without a warning, Kylo Ren joined them in all his muscular glory, his long hair artistically disheveled, like those of a man who had been working out only minutes before. Throwing an arm around Rey’s shoulder, he looked at Armitage with…

 

Wait… were those predatory eyes?

 

Setting a lazy kiss against Rey’s temple, but keeping his eyes on Armitage, the gorgeous surgeon smirked before squeezing Rey’s shoulder. “Stop worrying for him. He’s a grown man who knows how to… handle himself…”

 

Armitage paled at the dark and vibrant tone of Kylo’s voice.

 

“Don’t you … Armi? “ He nearly purred, not deluding himself a single bit about the effect he had on the poor administrator.

 

Handling himself! This felt like a must! That, or a cold shower! Since when Armani FUCKING Ren’s tone was supposed to make him instantly hard?

 

“HUX! REN! AND WHATEVER YOU ARE CALLED! TEAM BONDING! TEEPEES IN THE GARDEN!” shrieked Snoke while once again adjusting the horrible lower part of his kangaroo swimsuit.

 

“Whatever I’m called?” nearly growled Rey. “Who does he think he is?” offended, she stuck up her nose, clearly ready for a verbal fight.

 

“The hospital’s owner.” gloomily replied in almost one voice Armitage and Kylo.

Kylo frowned while Armitage looked positively shocked. Much to their surprise and for the first time ever, they seemed to be in tuned.

 

Rey was not happy. “He can be the fucking king, still doesn’t justify him being such a dick.” 

 

She shrugged out of Kylo’s embrace and pulled Armitage into a tight embrace. “Come on boss man, we can take on those teepees. What can be worse than seeing Snoke and sagging manhood?” 

 

Armi sighed, forgetting how happy Rey always makes him. The girl is seriously a gem, she always knew what to say and make him feel good. He however did not miss the grimace that flashed across Kylo’s face, but for once, he felt rather numb about it. 

 

“Rey dear, Snoke’s not exactly pleasant, but you do want to be in his good books of sorts…” 

 

Rolling her eyes, Rey held Armi at arms length and stared into his green eyes. “I’ll be a doctor soon, and I’ll make sure I go somewhere that has an owner who is normal. And then I’m dragging you along!” 

 

“Peanut!! IT’S SHOTS TIME!!” Came a rather unwelcoming wail which cut straight through the group’s conversation. One of the employees Armitage sushed earlier came bounding down with a tray of shots. “JAGERBOOMS!!” 

 

Oh, those hazel eyes… those hazel eyes in which he felt like he was drowning… well, until that idiot bellowed about the group’s manic compulsive need of drinking!

 

Ugh! Did that one need to be so loud on top of it? Rey was already releasing Armi’s arms, and god, that had felt momentarily so comforting!

 

No! he nearly pleaded before catching himself. Ah, if only he could stay alone with her…

 

This thought was cut short by Kylo Ren’s muscular arm wrapping once again around Rey’s shoulders.

 

“Time to go.” He stated huskily.

 

Armitage felt his mouth instantly go dry. He had to admit that Rey and Ren were a sight together.

 

Wait! Where was that coming from? He hated Ren, didn’t he?

He hated the whole 6 feet of him… or did he? Because a few inches of him were actually very enjoyable…

 

Armitage paled, his eyes suddenly widening. In a heartbeat, he turned on his heels and practically raced away and toward the garden to get to the teepees.

 

He hated Ren! He had to remember that! Ren! Bad! Ren! Not sexy! Ren… not attractive a single bit!

 

Then damn it, why was his mouth watering, right now?

 

“Mr Hux!” Came the same annoying voice. Armitage stopped cold in his retreat, and slowly spun around to stare at the person who dared prevent his run away. 

 

“Before you take off in the direction of the toilet… for the 10th time” exclaimed the clearly intoxicated man. “Why don’t you throw this back?” 

 

Armitage found himself staring into a glass filled with green liquid. He looked up at the man “What exactly do you have right there? And what’s your name?” 

 

“Finn it is sir! And FN for short. What I have here will set the hills on fire.” And before Armitage could say anything, Finn reached over and pinched his nose. Gasping in shock, Finn took the precise moment to throw the entire glass’ content into Armitage’s helpfully opened mouth. Spluttering, Armitage downed the entire content down, eyes streaming from the burn that scorched his throat. 

 

His goal achieved, Finn grinned like a Cheshire cat before tearing off in the opposite direction. You’ll love it boss!” And broke into a  hyanic laugh with his fellow colleagues. 

 

Rather stunned by the whole ordeal, Armi stood rooted to the spot until he heard that voice. 

 

“So Armitage. Why is your dick still not out on display yet?”

 

Frozen on his spot and his face suddenly drained of all colors, Armitage failed to see the delighted grin Gwendoline Phasma was harboring on her face.

 

Moving closer, this giant of a woman wiggled her eyebrows before sashaying away, her perfectly toned buttock in full display under her rather minimalist bathing suit.

 

Finn, better yet FN followed her, his eyes shamelessly riding south to appreciate the view.

“Well, Hux, you apparently won’t have to jerk yourself off tonight since Phas is so willing.” Ren stated, his arm still around Rey. “Shall we?” He added, nuzzling the side of Rey’s hair before pulling her away after the two others.

 

Caught in between her instinctive lust for Kylo and her need to protect Armitage, Rey followed but turned her head to keep her look focused on her boss, hoping he will get over the shock and follow.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... kylux? Do leave us comments and kudos xxx


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